Episode 5: Max on, Max off
Survivor 30: Worlds Apart Vidcap gallery
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This week: The tale of three, no two tribes, no, really one tribe (in blue), and all the leftover misfit parts in the other (in red).
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Okay, we have two choices: heal this tribe, or pile on Sierra -
Pile on Sierra! Pile on Sierra! Pile on Sierra! -
As long as I don't have to get out of this chair, I mean. -
Thanks a lot, guys -
Wait... YOU'RE Sierra? Have you been in this tribe the whole time? -
Probst: Okay, everyone. I've called you all here for a major announcement: Survivor: White Collar vs. Blue Collar vs. No Collar is over... -
...and from here on out, we're playing Jeopardy! Also, I'm replacing Alex Trebeck. Feel free to lose the buffs. *Just* the buffs, Max. -
I'll take American Sign Language for $1000, Alex. I mean Jeff. -
I'm just kidding. Jeopardy won't return my calls. Here are your new buffs. *sniff* -
Yay. So different. -
Sierra: I'm on a tribe with *YOU*?!!! AGAIN?!!! -
I think I played that off pretty smoothly. -
Blue Man Group. Plus Sierra. -
Fun fact: Nagarote is Spanish for 'no chance in hell at winning a challenge.' -
Look! I really am Red Kelly now! Okay, I'll be quiet. -
Okay, I guess we should do a challenge. You've seen this one before. -
Uh, Kelly? People are waving sticks around, and some guy lost part of his tooth doing this. Sure you don't want to launch? -
New Escameca: We left our tallest player in the launch slot and put Joaquin in to catch, just to give the saps on Nagarote a chance. -
You don't seem very grateful, red tribe. -
Don't shoot it at Probst. Don't shoot it at Probst. -
Go forth and enjoy your sausagefest, bros. -
Well... it's only two guys. And one of them is the same as before. -
See? -
Shirin: Wait, before we introduce ourselves, let's all whistle the Survivor theme song! -
Only three people knew it. That's what you get for cutting out the intro, Probst! -
Kelly ominously whistles the Tribal Council voting music. Shirin takes that as a sign of a new friendship. -
We have to eat sausage? Your boy from Texas won't eat anything that isn't 90% poisonous. Then again, it's room-temperature sausage. I like those odds. -
Joe, like in Joseph? More like Broseph, amirite? -
And here I got a picture of Tom Brady, 'cuz he's a balluh, and you should see this one of Gronkowski I got on my ass -
It was tastefully done. I was impressed. Creative use of orifices. -
(Four hours later...) Breathe, Sierra. -
Luckily, I knew CPR. -
Okay! Who wants to harmonize with me on the tribal bits from the Samoa intro? -
Ew! China or GTFO. -
Woo! Freebird! -
No, no, more like Andrew Bird -
Why can't she whistle normal stuff? Like the song Wanda sang as she was leaving Palau? -
Great. Dan is dropping stingrays on people now? -
I *told* you guys I was naked enough wearing a buff and water shoes. -
No, it's my secret idol-hiding flap of skin. -
Is that even possible? Man, I'm glad I went to law school instead of med school. -
Oh, please, Will. Just until you meet... -
...these guys. -
Dan swears he knows how to apologize to Sierra. Let's check my invisible Magic 8 ball here. ... Reply hazy try again. Damn it! It always says that! -
I'm sorry you were swapped onto this tribe. Clearly it's all your fault. -
I'm sorry if your poor listening skills didn't register that as an apology. Let's acknowledge that's also on you. -
Boom! Touchdown. -
Medical! Someone do some more CPR on Sierra. She's frozen again. -
Can we just skip this challenge and go directly to Tribal Council? Max wants to do that if we win, to tip our caps to One World. -
Probst: Stop it, guys. This one is from the Fall of Matsing. Now it will be the Fall of Max. Hint hint. -
Can we get all the stuff from the No Collar camp if we win this one? -
And... 0.2 seconds in, blue tribe already has an insurmountable lead. -
Now with more insurmountability! -
By my count, I have about 5 hours to untie this. Anyone need a water break? -
It's Swing Break, Dan. Swing Break. -
If you insist. -
Closest challenge ever. Well done. -
Why have you forsaken me, etc. -
He died for your sins, people. Mostly your ORG-related ones. -
Most winners are Capricorns? You wouldn't think they'd be goats. -
Clearly, having a name that starts with J is way more important. Duh. -
Kelly: Who? Max: The other him. The one that isn't me. -
Good news! I taught Carolyn some bird calls that we can use to communicate during Tribal Council. Nobody will be the wiser. -
Um... no. -
And the award for Excellence in Subtitle Accuracy goes to... -
I don't go in for these backdoor shenanigans. Sure I'm flattered, maybe even a little curious. But the answer is no! -
I mean, we have the bird call thing on lockdown, right? -
They're debating the relative merits of SurvAv versus SurvSc. What else would any sane person be doing on Survivor? Come on. -
Did I get another hashtag? I hope someone gets a screen cap of it. -
Oh sure, give the hashtag to the young blonde girl. I see how it is. -
And as the hike to Tribal dissolves to the moon... the editors have finally mooned Max. -
Probst: Okay, we have three people from Yellow Collar here... -
And three people from Red Collar... -
And you are... Kelly, is it? Hi, Kelly. New player? Sorry, the name doesn't ring a bell. -
Man, it sure would be lame if I remembered stuff from a Survivor season! What a nerd I'd be then, huh? -
Technically, we have our tribe names on our buffs. And you can dub in our names later, probably. -
You remember *ME* right, Jeff? -
Of course I do, Jonathan! -
I know this is a wacky piece of trivia, but do you remember we're supposed to vote someone out here at Tribal Council? -
Whaaaaaaaaaaat?! I thought this was a Denny's. French toast, please! -
Sigh. Why couldn't we have been on earlier season? -
Can I at least get in my Hold Up, Bro reference? -
Bros? I like bros. Also drinking from this enormous beer stein. -
When will this end? -
Hey, look what I found in my stein! Is this 'Max' my server? -
Sure I am, Jeff. Sure I am.
Jeff Pitman is the founder of the True Dork Times, and probably should find better things to write about than Survivor. So far he hasn't, though. He's also responsible for the Survivometer, calendar, boxscores, and contestant pages, so if you want to complain about those, do so in the comments, or on Bluesky: @truedorktimes