Hashtags: Just in case you were unclear which show you're watching, due to lack of intro

Just happy to be here

Brains tribe, already one big happy family

Brawn, pointedly not looking at each other

Still more happy Brains

First confessional! Woo! (I mean, Spencer!)

'In baseball, there's only one winner at the end. Survivor is the same.' Spoiler alert: It's not you. Won't be the Marlins, either.

Kass hopes people underestimate her, perhaps by telling the boot target they're in trouble. Repeatedly.

Morgan usually gets what she wants from a guy. Except LJ.

Jeremiah. He's a male model, if you didn't guess.

More Beauty Boat, now with Alexis and Brice.

Jefra, pretty sure the social game is based on looks.

Cliff. The subtitle may not 'know' his tribe, but it knows his top-secret profession. Probably learned it at the #spyshack

Sarah's a cop.

Tony is also a cop. Will they, or won't they? (Admit it to each other.) Much suspense. Wow.

Okay, here come the rapid-fire shots from the future. Spoiler alert: Garrett will get tired.

Spoiler alert: LJ will lift things.

Spoiler alert: IMPORTANT! Don't read unless you really want to know: Cliff will use a hammer.

Spoiler alert: David will look down, possibly while shirtless.

Spoiler alert: Morgan will still have an ample bosom later in this episode. Not while shirtless.

Spoiler alert: Tony will be all wet.

Spoiler alert: As has been shown in endless pre-season ads, Jefra will push a chest.

Tasha is ready to play Survivor. Spoiler alert: Her tribe will make it difficult to do so.

Spoiler alert: Tasha will have more shots in this sequence than anyone else.

See? We tried to warn you. Not that there's anything wrong with that, of course.

Alexis is... just a plain old 'student'? Why did Spencer get to be a fancy 'Economics student'?

Spoiler alert: Jeremiah is still a male model.

Spoiler alert: Alexis will be wet at the Ep2 RC/IC (Whoops, that was an actual spoiler. Sorry.)

Spoiler alert: Lindsey will also be tired.

Spoiler alert: Lindsey will also scowl/look tired in a different location.

Lindsey is the tough, brawny kind of hairstylist.

Spoiler alert: We totally miscounted, and Lindsey, not Tasha has the most shots in this sequence.

Spoiler alert: J'Tia makes it through the first two episodes, since you won't be seeing this challenge until next week.

Spoiler alert: Spencer will eventually pull some ropes.

That makes three shots of Spencer, too. With even more Lindsey.

You won't believe the amazing coincidence, but Former NBA All-Star Cliff Robinson will eventually shoot a tiny, orange basketball-shaped ball.

Kass is starting to catch up with Spencer and Tasha.

Spoiler alert: Trish will dish up buckets of water, Ep3-ish.

39 days, 18 people, 1 host on a giant rock in the middle of the ocean.

One final spoiler alert as we head back to the 'present': Cliff Robinson is tall.

Trish would literally do anything to get to the finish line, including riding on a truck with the Brawn tribe.

Lindsey smiles while secretly hating the Beauty tribe's boat arrival.

Looks like the secret's out.

Whoa, that was a rough ride. Time to go relax at the Brains camp.

Jefra thinks one of these people will be the Cochran of the game - smart, witty, play the game well. (Garrett, obviously.)

Welcome to Survivor: Cagayan. I'm Jeff Probst, but you can follow me on twitter at @JeffProbst. Take that, Cochran.

Don't come any closer, though. I didn't mean that kind of following.

Aw, you're no fun, Probst.

Seriously, Probst, you don't want to get this lot angry.

Nor, surprisingly, THIS lot.

Brawn...

Brains...

Does that mean I'm Beauty?! I am! Jeff Probst called me beauty! You have my number, right, Jeff?

We are the nerds. I snuck a peek at J'Tia's shirt.

Get ready to be stomped, non-Brawn tribes.

Pick a leader? Uh oh.

Dude, I was NOT on Big Brother. That was some guy last season.

Thanks, Probst. That's the last time I say I don't want to be the leader in MY pre-game interviews.

Don't finger-shoot the leader!

Why is everyone looking at me? Is it because you recognize me from The Franchise?

Don't be silly. The Blazer is over there on the Brawn tribe. He's kind of hard to miss.

Brice photobomb!

There's just something about Morgan that's hot.

I've got two ladies over here. I need one more. Being the showrunner increases one's appetites, you know.

Here, take Garrett.

Boy, was I surprised to learn Garrett wasn't a lady.

Camera staging pro-tip: Encourage diminuitive hosts to always stand in the extreme foreground, in order to appear taller.

So long, suckers! Enjoy your hike to the speedboat docked 20 feet away.

Look at me! Do I look the weakest? Come on.

Make your choice, it will be waiting for you at treemail.

The Luzon camp map. Four whole labeled places at which to hide an idol!

I go all in. Or at least I will, after you guys cut to the other two camps.

Thanks for choosing the older, skinny lady, there Sarah.

I'm on a tribe with a guy who likes Russell Hantz. Should I look for an idol, and deprive him of his fun? What do you think, producers?

Picking up the rice bag choice at treemail. Done and done.

Maybe LJ was tempted by my looks. Maybe.

Make your choice, it will be waiting for you at treemail? Where the hell is treemail? Is it in this bag of shoes?

Ohhhh. There it is. Take a stroll by the rocks, you say? But they're not labeled!!!!!

These are not the rocks you're looking for.

So is it the Brains tribe, or Luzon, as the flag claims? Make up your mind.

Garrett, going all in. Almost.

Oh, they're cutting to the lizard reaction shots. Something transiently interesting but ultimately pointless is about to happen.

I found a rock! Also, there's an idol tied to it.

It's an idol, you idiot. You play it to save yourself at Tri... ah, never mind. Please stop interrupting my basking.

Wow. So idol. Much safety. Wow.

After doing a few pushups, burpees, and squats to celebrate, Garrett commences reading.

The extensive hidden idol rules. Somehow, they left out that it's useless if you leave it sitting back at camp when you're voted out.

First I get picked as weakest, then I get map with no rocks labeled, then my tribe shows up in camp while I'm looking for the idol. This is probably what ugly people's days are like.

When you guys said 'stroll by the rocks,' you meant wade in the ocean, right?

Yay! Camping! At our camp!

I picked the princess bed with silk sheets and pillows, instead of rice. Hope you don't mind. I call first dibs.

Morgan didn't even complain about being voted out. Guess I've still got it. *Wink*

Yes. Yes, you do.

Morgan made some good choices for us. Pretty sure she'll now fall for my purple pants.

Hey Morgan, we want to get a shot of some coconuts. Just stay there like that, and we'll bring Alexis in to chop one.

They think we're just a tribe of princesses. You know, sitting on the beach in our high socks, leaning against throne-like rocks.

You got this, Jeremiah! Don't blow it! Oh, wait. No, carry on with the blowing. Sorry.

Praise the Lord! We have fahr!

Yes. Yes, they do.

Again, we're not the princess tribe.

I was worried they were going to come to camp thinking I'm weak. Then I remembered we're the Brawn tribe, so I didn't worry about the thinking part.

Good news, guys! I know where treemail is! Also, I got you a bag of rice.

She passed up a chance to look for an idol? Who would do that? That's how you get camera time!

Fact: Owning basketball cards is the most reliable indicator of truthfulness.

Stoked!

Camera staging pro-tip: Encourage 7-foot NBA stars to always stand in the extreme foreground, in order to appear even taller.

Camera staging pro-tip: Also, have other people stand downhill from the tallest person.

These guys don't seem to have any interest in basketball. *Shrug* Don't worry, Cliff: CBS does.

Wait, if people figured out he's an NBA guy, what if they find out I'm a police officer?

Tell it to me straight, Tony: You're a cop, right? Don't make me go get my partner. You won't like that.

Turns out I was wrong: Tony's a male stripper, who dresses up as a Hot Cop! Dang, I was so close!

Sigh, we're finally getting to camp. Let's hope Garrett is at least wearing clothes.

Wait, you're calling me an 'economics student'? We agreed it was supposed to say 'diabolical genius'! You bastards!

Awesome! Now we can power our camp with a fission reactor! Quick, Garrett and Spencer, build us a set of centrifuges. Tasha and Kass, you work on procuring us some low-enriched uranium.

I'm the smartest person here, hands down.

Put the rice over here, near the fire. I'll tell you why later.

Nothing quite says wilderness survival like using a hand saw to cut pre-stocked bamboo.

I will always wave my finger in your faces.

I'm starting to think J'Tia may not have the smoothest leadership style.

Come on, you guys! Night is coming. Chop, chop.

Sigh.

I am going to make a baseball analogy using Bugs Bunny at the plate. Technically, he was a pitcher who got three guys to strike out on a single pitch. But the analogy stands as well as our shelter.

Yay, Brains tribe. Good job.

David inherits the coveted Cochran giant-head confessional filter.

Let's test the support stability with one person and 20% of the floor. Oops.

Full cast, pre-challenge lineup, Ep1 RC/IC.

Soooo... the first-place idol is red, which can be used to make orange (Brawn) or purple (Beauty), but not green (Brains). That seems fair.

Wanna know what else you're playing for? No, it's not food. Or fishing gear.

It's sticks! Hooray!

Tasha, starting line. It's all downhill from here.

Wait, did you guys put me in the front so you could stare at my butt?

It's neck and neck! Very briefly.

Amazingly, the tribe with the 6' 10' ex-NBA guy seems to have an advantage.

Aparri leading

The Brains, trying to shove a big chest through a small hole.

Beauty clears their obstacle with ease.

We're the Brains! Let's brute-force it through!

Wait, those guys haven't started their puzzle yet? Whoa.

Spoiler alert: this tribe does not work well together.

Brains tribe! You dropped your chest of puzzle pieces! You have got to PICK IT UP!

Thanks a lot, Probst. Now you've hurt our feelings.

Tasha and Kass, trying to make up for lost time

The pretty people win! This never happens in real life!

Brawn is a close second!

Side note: Cliff Robinson is extremely tall.

Brains tribe! I'm going to continue yelling at you, even after the other tribes have left with their rewards and idols! Stay there for a second!

Fat chance, Probst.

So... that sucked.

Okay, so we're agreed. We'll vote J'Tia out, as you suggest. Don't tell anyone, okay Kass?

I'd really rather vote out Garrett, but I think it should be easy to blindside J'Tia instead.

Scrambling time.

Tribal Council's coming. Time for some honesty.

Good news, J'Tia. We're voting you out unless you scramble.

After all the explicit directions I gave these people? That hurts my feelings.

Don't worry, J'Tia. We have smaller fish to fry.

Just casually sitting here, preparing to eat some coconut. What could go wrong?

You know, Garrett, it's really odd that we haven't seen any idol clues. Would you know anything about that? On an unrelated note, what decision did you make on Day 1, again? Eh, never mind. Probably not important.

Hooray! Tribal Council. Things are finally going to start getting better.

Luzon, Ep1 Tribal Council.

Yeah, our shelter may have fallen apart, Jeff. Much like Miami taxpayers' hopes of a stable, top-tier baseball team to enjoy in their new, publicly funded stadium.

Oh, please. They knew our track record with the Expos.

Can we get this over with? It's a bit damp here.

Is it too late to get traded to the Beauty tribe?

Hurry up and read the votes, Probst. Unlike you, we don't have room at a luxury resort to go back to.

I probably shouldn't have mentioned the Expos.