Uh, Trish? I know it's dark, but the camera's over here.

10 seconds back in camp, and the finger-pointing starts

I will always point my finger at you! Uh, Trish? I'm over here.

Is she pointing at me? It's so dark!

Man, I love this show

I'm pretty sure Trish was yelling at me, but to be honest, it could have been anyone. It was pretty dark.

Enter Probst, stage right

I wanted to take a swing at Trish, but it was so dark, I was worried I might hit LJ, or something. Which would suck. He's dreamy.

Enter Probst again, stage left

LJ, I just wanted to tell you: Lindsey thinks you're dreamy. And... so do I.

Wait, did she mention me?

I can't tell, it's too dark. Are you Trish? Whatever, I need to exit, stage right.

We got a two-for-one deal! Woo! Wait... not Woo, but the other two.

I keep getting this weird feeling someone's talking about me. Probably just paranoia, I guess. That's what Survivor's all about, baby.

The NuAparris react with shock and awe at Jeff Probst's revelation that he's a published kid-lit author.

Sarah is so shaken, she decides to start eating Tasha. Tasha will be missed.

Actually, they were reacting to the surprise appearance of a mysterious pirate who keeps popping up and yelling 'Arrr!' Surprisingly, it's not Rupert.

Alexis reacts by trying to eat Morgan, who (luckily for her) is still back at camp, asleep in the shelter.

Ummm... hi. Please don't eat us.

Fine.

Seriously, Sarah. Don't eat me. We're still cool, right?

Uhhh... yeah. Also, I'm still full from Tasha.

The challenge begins. Note: This would be more fun if they were holding ice-cream cones, and had the choice between swatting and eating.

Spencer: No offense, Woo, but your statue dude kind of looks like you. Woo: Oh yeah? Yours looks like Alexis.

This week in foreshadowing: Who will go further? Woo, or Alexis?

Tasha vs. Trish

Ow! I said DON'T eat me, Sarah!

We're tied up, 1-1! To avoid confusion, I'm holding up the total points scored on each hand.

Sarah vs. Jefra: Watch out, Jefra. Sarah's looking hungry again.

You are NOT getting my ice-cream cone, Sarah.

Dang. It's f***** and it can't get up.

Hooray! We're sitting out.

Bearded man from the 30-ft mountains of Boston.

Bearded man from the relative mountains (elev. 1000 ft) of NC.

In the matchup of the bearded mountain men, Jeremiah opts to play juggle-the-idol, instead.

Sigh.

Hey, everyone! Tony has an idol!

I don't think they're staring into my eyes.

After resting up for two days, Morgan's challenge contribution = a 2-second loss.

Well... that was surprising

It all comes down to this...

...beardless, non-mountain man vs. beardless, non-mountain man.

Wait for it...

...and done.

Arrrr!

Tony and Woo: Raiders of the Lost Aparri (first challenge after losing Indiana's Jones).

You guys will let me take my spyshack, right?

The losers and the interlopers.

We're losing challenges and getting our stuff taken away! It's like being back home at old Luzon. *sniff*

Nice work in that challenge, you guys.

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's rice.

Worshipping false idols is totally cool, though. Go nuts.

The fourth clue actually says: if you can't find it with this many clues, someone else already did.

Hey, Jeremiah. You look like you really need the fourth hidden idol clue. No offense.

Oh great, I have to read something?

Those foolish malefactors shan't impugn MY veracity!

So, uh... hey guys. Read any good books lately?

Tony: Did we miss anything? Woo: It's a tarp!

Shame on you, Trish. Nobody spells it that way. It's obviously Lyndtzee.

Thyme Bandits.

I wanted to go with them, but I was afraid Sarah might eat me.

You guys! We got a hidden idol clue! Now... let's not open it, read it, look for the idol, or otherwise ever speak of this again!

Yes, yes... that would be for the best

Tony: Hey Jefra, let's join up and punch LJ in the head! Jefra: Ok!

Ow! Quit it.

There's a chance I could be booted this episode, if we lose the IC. I'm gonna ratchet up my attempts to show I'm strategic and willing to flip!

Jeremiah is so dumb! He can't even lie! I'm smart, and I can. Put all your trust in me!

Seems legit

Look, it's not my fault I'm getting all the confessionals. Everyone keeps coming to me with dumb strategic plans.

Look, I swear, I read that clue, and it was the same one we had back at Beauty camp

They're totally buying this!

He read the clue?

I'm sorry I ever asked to be traded to the Beauty tribe. Let's cut that in editing, okay?

Solana, getting their first look at the Aparri tribe. No, wait. Morgan is still theoretically there.

You guys were complaining about the rain, when you've had little umbrellas on your tribe flags the WHOLE TIME?

Yay! Giant nails! Everyone gets one!

That's a beautiful staircase you've got there, Solana. Good job!

The classic top-o-the-stairs cam shot

Solana... somehow leading

Those slides look painful, but why not add some rusty nails? Sometimes it seems like the art department isn't even trying

Then there was this exciting part

That's not the Ultimate Answer. Come on.

Well, fine. If LJ says it's right, it must be ok

Pay no attention to the background orange paint. It's probably there to distract you.

Sigh.

Foreshadowing: LJ will fall before the end

NFL-trained cheerleading

It's all over, except for the poorly thought through cheering

Scorekeeper, winners, loser, all in one shot

Damn your composition! Let's focus on what really important here, or you're fired!

Come on, people. Tony was just calling Lindsey one of the top five babies, for quitting.

I am? Cool!

Okay, if you insist.

Hey, uh... guys? Could I get one of those 'Top five' thingies under me, too? Hello? Anyone? I can wait...

Next time on Survivor: LJ is medevacced for self-induced corneal abrasions

And Kass returns to the series, after her mysterious episode-long hiatus

Hey, cheer up, guys! The merge is tomorrow! Well... except for one of you.

I can't wait for Tony to get back here after the merge, to explain how the spyshack works

Me too! (*cloying, pathos-laden soundtrack swells*)

So this is what it felt like to be on the Brains tribe, huh, Kass? Kass: No, there's more rice.

Ok, you guys. Let's vote Jeremiah. He doesn't even have a bikini. How dumb!

I'm a cop. There's no way I would ever, ever lie. Jeremiah it is.

What? I need to do another confessional? Come on, the whole tribe was there for that discussion, you guys.

I can't help thinking this is all your fault for begging to be on the Beauty tribe, Spencer

You're giving me the title quote 45 minutes in, but I'm not in the rest of the episode? Can I get a #zombies hashtag, at least? No? Sigh.

The killing time... unwillingly mine.

Hey Sarah, did you forget something? Oh, that's right. This is your first Tribal.

Way to make me feel self-conscious, guys. Thanks.

And I have to sit in the middle, too? Great.

Brains.

Beauty.

Bronn. Oops, sorry. We wish. Brawn.

Ow! You guys! My hand is on fire!

Nice try, Jeff. I'm a cop, not a firefighter.

Put your hand out? Please. I don't believe in handouts.

Um, you have a snuffer, you know. Come on.

I'm very disappointed in you, Alexis. For a brief, blistery moment, this was the best Tribal Council ever.

Three votes? You guys! He would have realized he had a snuffer eventually.

If it were up to me, I'd vote all of you out. ALL OF YOU.

Sigh.

And THAT's how you use a snuffer, Alexis.

Sigh.