By Jan Keyszuck
True Dork Times Baseballology Editor

NEW YORK, New York (AGB). George Steinbrenner, in an official release today, has stated that his 30-year relationship with Satan is over, and that he will take no more calls from the Dark Lord. Steinbrenner, whose Yankees have won three of the past four World Series, states that Satan's decision to show favor to another one of Satan's more famous clients, Michael Eisner, and his Anaheim Angels, over the New York Yankees, signals a lack of respect that cannot be tolerated, despite their longtime friendship. Eisner's Angels defeated Steinbrenner's Yankees in this year's American League Division Series. It marked the first time in 5 years that the Yankees had not reached the Championship Series.

This is not the first run-in between the two evildoers and now former friends. Last year, Steinbrenner filed suit against the Dark Lord for failing to come through in the clutch in Game Seven of the World Series. The two reached an undiclosed settlement out of court, that some insiders believe involved this year's performance of both David Wells and Alfonso Soriano. "This time is different." Steinbrenner statement concludes." He has fundamentally breached the trust that we have developed with lies and deceit. I guess that's why they call him Satan."

Apparently the fact that his Satanic club was beaten by a club called the"Angels" is especially disconcerting to Mr. Steinbrenner. "He has chosen his friendship with Mr. Eisner over ours." Steinbrenner's office stated in the release. "If Satan wants to advertise 'Angels,' that's his business, but we just don't understand why he would sever his long term relationship with Mr. Steinbrenner for such a backward cause." Steinbrenner points out that for the past 30 years he has constantly favored Satan's causes over all others, going as far as requiring a young "Jesus Jeter" to change his name to Derek in 1989.

In response, Satan's minions pointed out the inherent difficulties involved in running an empire based on evil and sin, especially when conflicts between two heavy hitters like Eisner and Steinbrenner arise. Insiders in Satan's movement report that this was a very close call for the Dark Lord, and eventually it all came down to the Rally Monkey.

"In the end we had to look at the pocketbook. The future of the Satanic movement is not a 300-pound pitcher wearing pinstripes," said Satanic representative and legal consultant Alan Dershowitz, "It is a twelve-year-old kid worshiping a monkey."

Since the emergence of the Rally Monkey as a cult hero in Southern California, recruitment to the Satanic movement is apparently up 40 percent. "We see unlimited possibilities for the Rally Monkey," Disney executive Ralph Maylunch stated, "Starting with a feature length movie, television series, direct-to-video release, and eventually a church based on the monkey's teachings. We have already contacted Steve Guttenberg to be the voice of the monkey. Of course all of this would be a front for Satan."

Steinbrenner is actively searching for outside evil guidance, now that his long-term relationship with Satan has ended. Reportedly he has contacted the Wiccans, the Zoroastrians, Bill Gates and the Mormon Church. He has joked to friends, "I'm a free agent now!"