By Leigh Gull
True Dork Times Celebrity Litigation Editor
NEW YORK (AGB) George Steinbrenner, owner of the New York Yankees, has filed suit against Satan, the Prince of Darkness, in New York District Court, for breach of contract. Steinbrenner claims that Satan breached their eternal contract by allowing the Diamondbacks to win Game 7 of the World Series. "I have pledged my eternal soul and servitude to him," Steinbrenner commented. "The least he can do is give me the four consecutive World Series titles he promised."
In a move that suprised no one, Satan turned to his longtime friend
Johnnie Cochran for representation. "If it didn't land in his mitt, you
must aquit," a confident Cochran stated. He also added that he was
working on that line.
"Satan's number one clients right now are Osama, J.Lo and Michael Eisner," Cochran continued. "And contrary to popular belief, he can't be everywhere at once." Satan also claims that at the particular moment that the Yankees lost, all of his efforts were concentrated at the Emmy Awards where he was helping Barbara Streisand with her performance preparation. "She is our most demanding client," one of Satan's minions admitted wearily, via satellite phone. "To be honest," the minion added,"I think he just turned off the damn game when Mariano Rivera came on with a lead in the ninth."
Satan's representatives argue that this type of miracle win does not fall within the four corners of the blood signed contract. "This type of come-from-behind, bottom of the ninth, miracle-win stuff is exactly the type of behavior that "You Know Who" is known for." The unamed representative then said that Satan was just pushing his luck when he won both games four and five with two-out, two-run home runs in the bottom of the ninth, and that it was only a matter of time before another Higher Power got into the game.
"I have a contract that provides me certain guarantees," a fiery Steinbrenner told reporters. "And not to mention all of the favors that I have done for Satan outside of my deal. I got him Derek Jeter as a rookie, and I convinced Roger Clemens to re-sign a long term deal with the Prince of Darkness. Surely that earns me a little consideration." Damage estimates were not provided in the suit, but Steinbrenner assured everyone within earshot that "There will be Hell to pay."
"Satan would really hate to lose a client like George," Cochran countered. "They have built such a good friendship over the past twenty years, that we will really try and settle this like friends. For example, how does 'Baseball Commissioner George Steinbrenner' sound? Or how about 'Mayor Steinbrenner?' These sorts of things could be arranged, if George wants to play ball."
Cochran then cocked his head, lifted an eyebrow, and in a deeper, almost otherworldly voice, bellowed, "And if Mr. Steinbrenner insists on pursuing what are clearly baseless charges, don't think we won't remember his ties to Tampa when contraction rolls around. After all, they are the Devil Rays, and he could find himself owning them if he's not careful."
Currently, both sides are arguing over the proper venue for the trial. Steinbrenner argues that since the contract was signed in New York, the trial should be held there. Analysts view this as a move that would all but guarantee a victory for Steinbrenner. Cochran argues that the trial should be held in Phoenix, where the alleged breach of contract occurred, or at worst in Burbank, CA, where Beelzebub spends his winters.
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