By Catt Knapp
True Dork Times Somnambulism Editor

NEW YORK, N.Y. (TDT) Even as an increasing number of high-profile corporations have seen their stock values plummet in the wake of damaging financial scandals, America's mattress makers are resting peacefully at night, on large piles of money. "With the stock market down, 401(k)s retreating, and even banks suspect (hint, hint), we're the best investment option around!" crowed one industry executive. Taking advantage of this trend, the mattress industry is laying out a suite of new options for skittish investors to sample.

Industry veteran Serta has lead the charge, introducing their Assetrest line of mattresses early this year. All models feature safes built directly into the mattress, with access carefully concealed under the retractable pillowtop surface.

Initial consumer reactions to the line were lukewarm, as buyers complained that the bulky dial and handle of the safe were somewhat less than "downy soft," as advertisements had alleged. Still, as the markets continued to decline, sales rose dramatically. As one local salesperson noted, "Can you put a price on comfort? If you're not losing 10% of your retirement savings in some crappy index fund those Motley Fool guys told you to buy, I think you can live with an extra knob or two while you're sleeping."

Following Serta's success, other bedding manufacturers have followed suit with their own lines of "home banking"-related merchandise. At a recent mattress-makers' convention, more than half the new offerings featured some sort of storage device. Several companies displayed box springs with side-accessible safes, in an effort to attract customers put off by Serta's original Assetrest design. Others have incorporated the concept into alternative bed styles, includings futons and, for outdoor enthusiasts, air mattresses. One maker of water beds touted their "Aquabank" line as "the best way to keep your assests liquid."

Stock market analysts insist that the indices are poised for a future return to their previous heights, and that long-term forecasts suggest that the recent recession may already have ended. Still, some privately admit that they are hedging their bets, and snatching up shares of mattress makers, "just in case."