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July, 2002

Next issue:
August 1, 2002

Volume III
No. 7
Today's fun-filled, fact-free stories, brought to you by more than one of the not-so-good folks at Deathsuite:
NEWS                                 If you can read this, email us at truedorktimes@truedorktimes.com

Analysts shocked by seamless transitions during Cheney's acting Presidency
    Washington observers are still at a loss to explain the remarkable lack of detectable differences in governmental operation during Dick Cheney's brief reign as Acting President, in late June. "How could this happen?" asked a puzzled commentator George Will. "George W. Bush is such a vital, vibrant component of this administration, it's difficult to imagine his being absent for even a second without some sort of ramifications occurring."
Click here for the full story.

Bush denies steroid use in breaking all-time fundraising record
    On the heels of former President Bill Clinton's admission in Politics: Illustrated that he garnered his record-setting campaign chest in 1996 with the aid of steroids, President George W. Bush is denying accusations that his own breaking of Clinton's record during the 2000 election was also steroid-enhanced. An uncharacteristically short-tempered President lashed out at reporters yesterday when questioned on the subject.
Click here for the full story.

Lucas hires Tom Green to star in final Star Wars prequel episode
    Star Wars series creator George Lucas has finally settled on actor-comedian Tom Green to play the adult Anakin Skywalker / Darth Vader character in Star Wars: Episode 3, the final "prequel" chapter to the original trilogy. A spokesman for Lucasfilm described Green as "a great actor, effortlessly bringing the necessary depth and darkness to the character. Plus, he's great at making scowly faces, which as you know is a mark of dramatic excellence"
Click here for the full story.

Mattress makers eager to lure back weary stock market investors
    Even as an increasing number of high-profile corporations have seen their stock values plummet in the wake of damaging financial scandals, America's mattress makers are resting peacefully at night, on large piles of money. "With the stock market down, 401(k)s retreating, and even banks suspect (hint, hint), we're the best investment option around!" crowed one industry executive. Taking advantage of this trend, the mattress industry is laying out a suite of new options for skittish investors to sample.
Click here for the full story.

News Briefs
National Guard deployed to save Petrified Forest from wildfires
    After viewing the devastation caused by continuing wildfires in the Southwest, President George W. Bush activated National Guard units from four surrounding states to protect Arizona's unique natural landscapes, primarily the Petrified Forest National Park. "Those trees have stood there, turned to stone thousands, millions, maybe even hundreds of years ago," a visibly shaken President explained. " I would hate to see these noble American treasures burned." The President ordered the Guard to take all measures necessary, including burning John McCain's home "just as a precaution."

LIVING                             Actually, this section has very little to do with real life.

Ask Seth
   Ann Landers is no longer with us. Luckily for you, America's favorite Amish advice columnist has returned to these pages, answering the many questions that plague our readers. Click here to read his helpful tips.

Jittery Jeff!
   Okay, we discovered long ago that this Jeff guy is actually a weak rip-off of the formerly prolific Cranky Andy. Still, he's marginally better than nothing, which is his competition this month. Click here to see his lists.

Step this way for quick links to our way-too-large collection of Survivor content.
General Survivor crap Survivor 5: Thailand crap

Surviwhore!
Making fun of instant demi-celebrities. Newly refurbished to mock Survivors 2 through 4.		 Yes, this show is already filming. Check out our S5 calendar to see what's going on.

If you don't get our Survivor-related humor , you probably should watch the show. No wait, don't do that. Want to know who's getting the boot?  So do we. But we're dumb enough to guess, in our Survivometer 5 .
Nostalgic for  Survivor: Marquesas?  Didn't think so. Still, feel free to relive the trauma with our S4 episode recaps . Want to ruin the show for yourself or others? Cool! Stop by our S5 Spoiler section, to see what we have to offer.
EDITORIAL                      Hoping to fill more table cells with empty texture in the near future.

Link
Bush or Chimp?  Not to be unnecessarily cruel, but admit it: you've asked that question at least once. This site further muddies the waters.

Crappy's Bowl o' Flushing
    We've invited our new mascot, Crappy the Smart-Assed Toilet, to write his own column.  Stop by each month to hear his hilarity-filled take on an especially flushable topic.  Watch out, he may have a potty mouth!
    This month's victim: "Modern Rock."		 Things which don't suck
    Despite appearances to the contrary, there are actually a few things in the world that do not sink to the level of suckdom. Very, very few.  After an exhaustive search, we've uncovered a small collection. Click here to see what we found.
Archives
    Have you missed an issue of the True Dork Times?  Well, we suppose we'll allow you to view our archives, anyway, just this once. Don't let it happen again.
E-mail us
    Hate what you see?  Of course you do!  We wouldn't be doing our job otherwise.  Address your venomous responses to: Truedorktimes@truedorktimes.com