Volume III, Number 7
July, 2002

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Bush denies steroid use in breaking all-time fundraising record
An uncharacteristically short-tempered President was incensed by the allegations

By P. Ken Mickels
True Dork Times Urinalysis Editor

WASHINGTON, D.C. (TDT) On the heels of former President Bill Clinton's admission in Politics: Illustrated last month, that he garnered his record-setting 1996 campaign chest with the aid of steroids, President George W. Bush is denying accusations that his own breaking of Clinton's record during the 2000 election was also steroid-enhanced. An uncharacteristically short-tempered President lashed out angrily at reporters yesterday when questioned on the subject.

Reporters had gathered around the President's locker following a session in the White House weight room. When a reporter peered inside, and attempted to remove a suspicious bottle of pills from the locker, the President raced over, screaming, then launched into an obscenity-laced tirade, telling those assembled, "It's none of your [expletive deleted] business what I put in my [expletive deleted] body, [expletive deleted]!" He then allegedly flung a framed, signed photograph of himself (talking on the phone aboard Air Force One on September 11, 2001) in the general direction of the inquisitive reporter.

White House spokesmen Ari Fleischer refused to either confirm or deny that the incident even took place, although he reaffirmed the White House's official position that anything the President does or says is a matter of National Security, and is not to be shared with the press.

Clinton's shocking revelations astounded many in Washington, most of whom had assumed that the extra bulk the former President had carried while in office could be attributed to chemicals ingested courtesy of McDonald's and Krispy Kreme, rather than distributors of illegal synthetic androgens. Clinton explained that the drugs gave him an enhanced sense of strength and power, which helped him maintain his near-24-hour work schedule, allowing many extra hours a day for fundraising.

The former President did lament that some of the sexual side-effects of steroid use may have further strained his already-tenuous marital relations, thereby contributing to his seeking solace with overweight interns. He concluded with a statement that steroid use was rampant in Washington, with over 80% of politicians using them, and hoped the exposure might deter further use.

Following the release of Clinton's story, cable news shows were flooded with accusations and arguments about which politicians were on steroids, and which weren't. Subsequently, several members of Congress responded with proposed legislation mandating blood and urine testing for all members of the Executive and Judicial branches of government. "The important thing is," a cut, rippling Dennis Hastert told the press, "is that we appear to be doing something about this terrible, terrible problem that Clinton and the Democrats have." In later statements, after the public furor arose on the subject, Clinton backpedaled, saying only that a few people had used the drugs, and that he himself had "experimented with them, but never injected."

Around this time, a number of Washington insiders soon began to take notice of President Bush's increased interest in physical fitness, along with his seemingly tireless fundraising activities. When a GOP fundraiser in May established the new single-day record for contributions, at $33 million, rumors quickly spread that some of the participants may not have been "on a level playing field."

So far, no actively-serving Beltway power players have come forward to admit the use of the banned substances. Many observers feel that conflict abroad, financial scandals, and oft-repeated, coneveniently-timed Homeland Security announcements may eventually push the stories out of the front sections of major newspapers, and out of the public's memory. Still, one insider said, "I wouldn't want to be one of the pitchers at the annual Senate-Vs.-House baseball game."

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