| Episode |
Recap |
Episode
7:
Clarence Gets The Can.
Hmm, after rewatching the first half, this may have actually been:
"Will There Be A Feast Tonight?"
Days 19-21 = July
29-31, 2001
Aired: November 22, 2001
Brandon ably demonstrates
a favorite activity of his fellow contestants.
This week's featured
punctutation mark: The colon.
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It's Thanksgiving, which means that it's time for Americans around the
world to gorge themselves on food, drink too much, and sit around making
rude comments about their boorish visitors. And nowhere is this
more true than on Survivor, conveniently edited to satisfy all
of these lasting holiday rituals, even though this "reality" episode was
filmed in Africa in late July. As will ploddingly be revealed, this
is an episode steeped in deep sense of tradition.
One tradition, of course, is starting the night's
action back in the previous episode. This enables us to witness
the startling interpersonal dynamics as the prior losing tribe returns
from voting someone off at tribal council. Or, in this case, the
utter lack thereof. But first, we flash forward to the next day
for some comic relief from Brandon, who is emerging as a budding prodigy
of ironic commentary. Splayed dramatically across a rock, his spindly
arms outstretched in a crucificial pose, he complains loudly at length
about how pleased he is that that bitch Lindsey is gone, since all she
ever did was complain loudly and lengthily about things.
Anyway, Brandon and KimP, now without their protective
shield of Silas and Lindsey, discuss their feelings and strategic goals.
Both agree that it's best to continue doing nothing and hope nobody notices.
Brandon intends to curl himself up into a little ball and remain completely
motionless, hoping his tribe mistakes him for a dust bunny. He is
aided in his efforts by a clever act of camouflage, concealing himself
stealthily in a fluorescent orange hat. KimP has an easier time,
partly because we're not entirely convinced she's actually on the show.
She simply reactivates her luxury item, a portable cloaking device, and
is not seen again for the rest of the episode.
Next we move on to another exciting Survivor
tradition: Since there are now only ten contestants left, it's time
to dispense with action altogether, bring the two tribes together as one,
and casually observe the festering hostilities for the next hour.
Unfortunately, thanks to producer Mark Burnett's clever "twist," this
already happened two episodes ago. But tradition is a demanding
mistress, and the union must proceed, so Burnett quickly comes up with
a foolproof, dramatically rich plan: crank up the suspense by delaying
the merge for twenty minutes, then fill in the dead air with scintillating
footage of the players sitting around, doing nothing.
At Boran, the anticipation of the merge and its attendant
feast is so strong, Frank immediately enlists volunteers for an emergency
sandbagging effort, to contain the drool cascading from Ethan's lips.
In an attempt to escape the flooding, Clarence races off to take a dump
in the middle of a herd of stampeding elephants. Well, not so much
stampeding as standing around listlessly, much like their human counterparts.
But the suspense is there, all right.
The exiled ex-Borans in Samburu are feeling the tension,
too. Lex displays his mastery of mathematics to Kelly and Tom by
explaining that, despite the continued presence of more-favored teammates
MamaKim and Ethan back at Boran, all three of the emigres are now guaranteed
spots in the final four. Kelly and Tom break into an impromptu rendition
of the traditional Survivor Final Four dance, ensuring that one
or more of them will not actually make it that far. With that out
of the way, the remainder of the excitement for the day involves a lengthy
struggle to avoid anything resembling activity. Luckily, Samburu
has Brandon and KimP to look to for guidance in this endeavor.
Desperate for both footage and new villains, what with
Silas, Lindsey and soon-to-be Clarence gone, CBS reluctantly switches
Kelly's weekly "Survivor: Insider" diatribe about Lex and his "annoying
daddy voice" from their pay-per-view web service to the actual show.
Burnett then hops into action, swiftly editing Lex's character away from
the benign knowitall and into the obsequious, irritating, dorky micro-manager.
Lex politely obliges by spending thirty minutes explaining how has expended
tremendous effort "carving" an untouched, vaguely spoon-shaped (in a Dali-esque
sense) twig into a spoon, and also how he learned the definition of "uber"
from listening to old Dead Kennedys songs. Yup, tool-free carving
and one-word German lessons: a sure-fire recipe for third-season Survivor
excitement! Whee!
We progess, on a geological time scale, to Day 20 of
the compelling drama. And suddenly, everyone is aflutter: we have
a challenge! Hooray, something other than altering one's position
every three to four hours to avoid bedsores! The Survivors happily
tromp through the savannah, only to stumble smack into another revered
Survivor traditon: In the merge episode (oh yeah, they do merge
after all... kind of an afterthought, actually), the immunity challenge
involves standing motionless on a log for hours at a time. Thankfully,
Mark Burnett, presciently sensing viewer ennui with predictable, recycled
challenges, has spiced up the action this time around with a delightful
twist: This season, the contestants will again be standing motionless,
but this time, they have to raise an arm over their head. But fear
not, the other extraordinary production values remain intact - instead
of jumping into water to quit, they pour water over themselves this time.
So those valuable wet swimsuit shots will not be lost. Happily,
the barely-clad players step up to their hours-long action-free struggle
with destiny.
Or, if your're Brandon, and you've just discovered
that your body does actually contain the muscles required to make the
international sign for volunteering for things, one entire side of your
body undergoes a paralyzing tetanic contraction after a mere 18 minutes.
And he wasn't even the first to go. As contestants drop like Boran's
water supply, Teresa senses victory may be within her grasp, and breaks
out the psychological torture tactics, warbling shrill show tunes. From
"Annie." Sadly, while this does leave the departed contestants wincing,
her direct competitors - the professional soccer player, Uncle Lex, and
the only man in America who publicly admits liking Yanni (that would be
Clarence) - actually appear to enjoy it. Frustrated, Teresa settles
in, mentally steeling herself the way she does for those long-haul transcontinental
flights that don't involve renewing her Mile High Club membership.
Eventually, after six hours of pole-standing, with
just Clarence and Teresa remaining, it's time for another fine Survivor
tradition: cutting a deal so that the network can take a commercial break.
But not before sneaking in an all-important product placement pitch for
crisp, refreshing Mountain Dew (TM). But, strangely, not for Bud
Light, which this season has been replaced by generic "beer." True,
while the contestants could probably not tell the difference by taste,
did Anheuser-Busch not receive the brochure extolling product placement
as the advertising wave of the future? Or did they foolishly blow
their advertising budget on all those new ads featuring the "It's not
so bad" guy? Whatever, back at the challenge, T-Bird and Clay settle
on Rochambeauing for immunity, and Teresa goes first, hauling off and
kicking Clarence square in the nuts. Sensing it might hinder his
endorsement-garnering potential to return the favor to a mother of two
on national TV, Clarence nobly gives up, sealing his fate.
Now Burnett is in a quandary: He's only 30 minutes
into the show, and he's already blown through his "will there be a merge?"
*cough* "drama," and his sole, action-packed challenge. Not to mention
that, despite the editing indicating it's Frank who's the target, even
a brain-dead chimp can see that, with a comfortable 6-4 margin over old
Samburu (thanks to the switch), old Boran will now leap at the opportunity
to rid themselves of untrustworthy, immunity streak-threatening Clarence.
So what's a reality producer to do to fill a half-hour of dead air?
The solution: reruns of old movies. Frank volunteers
to stage a reenactment of all 14 hours of "Dances With Wolves," taking
the Kevin Costner role for himself, while enlisting the aid of a wayward
elephant for the wolf's lines. Or it may have been reversed - the
voice-overs weren't very clear, and we dozed off halfway through.
In fact, almost the entire rest of the episode was a soliloquy from Frank,
which means of course that he's gone in the next episode. In the
stunning, heart-warming conclusion, Frank gives play-by-play as the elephant
takes a massive dump. Clearly, this symbolizes Mark Burnett's perceived
mission in bringing this show to his audience. A touching, family-friendly
Thansgiving bonus.
Meanwhile, things are going swimmingly back at the
shiny new merged tribe, which took up residence at the Boran camp, after
a voice vote in which all eight existing Borans voiced their approval,
with Brandon and KimP abstaining, in fear they might be detected (they
must have taken our survival hint from last week). Despite Frank's
sterling thespian efforts, there are still 25 minutes to fill. So
Burnett plies the tribe with copious quantities of wine and a basket of
fermented fruit, then lets the good footage roll. We learn lots
of fascinating stuff. For example, it is revealed that Big Tom (portrayed
in this episode, in an extra-special November sweeps guest-star appearance,
by a cheekily uncredited Austin Powers) has taken a strong, physical shine
to every woman he's seen since stepping off the bus three short weeks
ago, marriage be damned, including even Brandon (although he seemed a
little off-put by B's general flat-chestedness and unsightly facial hair
problem). For visual stimulation, Lex and Ethan recreate Breakin'
2: Electric Boogaloo in its entirety.
In time, the wine-soaked discussion turns to the grisly
prospect of naming the new merged tribe. After twenty votes produce
the choices of Boran, Boran Again, Still Boran, and Boran Free, marketing
executive Lex notes that CBS's sales department has told them in no uncertain
terms that they cannot choose the name "Boran" again, because that will
confuse the billions of people clamoring to buy the exciting new green
Buffs (TM) at CBS's online store. After consulting the dictionary,
Lex decides on Moto Maji, which everyone agrees is a fine idea, as it
roughly translates to "hot water," even though Clarence's sacrifical shower
was room temperature, at best. The next day, even after repeating
the name several thousand times, nobody is able to remember it.
Kelly guesses it was "Magic Mountain," while Clarence, thinking about
food again, swears it was "Iron Chef Japanese Masaharu Morimoto."
The discussion about this continued on for hours, but
Mark Burnett was duty-bound to replace most of it with another Survivor
tradition: obfuscation, by way of repeated explanations of how it's really
Frank, or possibly Lex, or maybe Brandon, who's going this week.
Even after Lex is shown informing Clarence of the obvious. And there
is a Survivor first, as well: While Lex is performing his noble
quest of letting Clarence know of his imminent demise, Brandon is actually
seen outside the manyatta, and he appears to even be carrying wood!
This alone was worth sitting through the previous 45 minutes for.
Finally, when the truth can be avoided no longer, we
grudgingly make our way to tribal council, where we revisit another time-honored
Survivor tradition: voting out the African-American contestant
who has a chance to win all the post-merger challenges, so that a white
person can do it instead, and take second place in the final jury vote.
This, of course, requires that just about everyone votes for Clarence,
except for Clarence himself, and Teresa, who cut a deal with Clarence,
pledging that she would help him join the Mile High Club on the flight
home, as long as she casts her vote for Lex. Predictably, Clarence
gives the traditional loser's speech about playing with honor, almost
concealing one startling development: KimP has now completely vanished,
and has been replaced by another woman whose hairstyle in no way resembles
the Princess Leia Starter Braids set. The replacement "KimP" appears
equally silent. Will Moto Maji notice? We'll have to wait
two weeks to find out, as next week sports a thrill-a-minute recap/regurgitation.
Sit tight, we can weather this crisis together.
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Episode
6:
All Ratted Out
Ssh, that's what we heard. No, I guess we'll go back to our original theory
that this was:
"I'd Never Do It To You"
Days 16-18 = July
26-28, 2001
Aired: November 15, 2001
Scenes from the
active, go-get-'em lifestyle of Tom Buchanan.
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If you can't read this very well, it's because we're whispering.
Sssshhhh! Someone might overhear!
We left our stopwatches back in Episode 5, but we're
fairly confident that 90% of this episode was whispered, driving millions
of Americans to either flip over to the Weather Channel and start paying
attention to all the hearing aid commercials, or perhaps just keep watching
Friends, like they have been for the past five weeks. For
those of us who, through no fault of our own, still have broken
remotes, and are just too damn lazy to walk over to the TV to change it,
here's what we were stuck with.
We open, as always, back at Boran on the last night
of the previous episode. They've just returned from tribal council,
a recipe which usually serves up heaping dollops of intrigue and excitement.
Instead, these bozos inexplicably waste valuable screen time giving us
an extensive discourse on the wisdom of rationing. Seems the merge
might be delayed. Or is it? The last we heard of this was
Episode 5, and it's not mentioned again. Yawn. Maybe we should
think about looking for batteries for the remote.
Luckily, we're swiftly whisked away to the dawn of
Day 16 at Samburu, where Lex, Tom and Kelly are whispering. Now,
Mark Burnett has lauded the audio on this edition of Survivor,
and for good reason. We can't hear a damn thing. Luckily,
this also keeps the ex-Borans' shock at having to perform sentry duty
for five straight hours away from prying ears, and Brandon, KimP and Lindsey
blissfully, obliviously, slumber away. Presently (time passes in
leaps and bounds in Survivorland, except during these thrilling "action"
sequences), everyone is alert, and they all commence with their daily
chore of sitting around, staring at each other, and whispering loudly.
Since this serves no obvious purpose plot-wise, this must be foreshadowing.
In this episode, the role of Big Tom is played by an inanimate lump of
elemental carbon. A carbonaceous blob after our own hearts!
We think he's a shoo-in for a guest-appearance Emmy.
Now it's back to Boran, where we discover that, overnight,
their topic of discussion has ranged all the way to - food. Or,
more accurately, chickens that had better start making some, or they will
become it. For reasons that are not immediately apparent, Clarence
makes a guest appearance this week as well, playing himself. We
had been a little worried about Clarence, since he had largely disappeared
since Episode 1, and we were concerned Tom may have eaten him after the
failed tree-climbing incident. Luckily, that turns out not to be
the case, because not only is Clarence smarter than the complete editing-out
of him in the past four weeks might suggest, he's pretty funny, too.
Sure, the script he has to work with is pretty one-dimensional, but he
brings a lot to the part. As you've probably gathered by now, yes,
Clarence spends the entire episode talking about food. Clearly,
this is a man not worried about typecasting.
Soon the exciting reward challenge arrives, and the
producers decide that, since there's no chance of their valuable trivia
questions coming up at tribal council in two days, they'd better use them
here. Since the challenge involves climbing stairs, Samburu waves
politely at Lump of Carbon, as he sits contentedly on the sidelines. And
tell us what they're playing for, Jeff Probst? Why, it's an extended
product placement ad for Mountain Dew (TM)! Wait, where's the Code
Red (TM) that was supposed to be here for this? Dammit, they didn't
use Fed-Ex (TM)! Oh well, is there any way we can dub in Tina's
Doritos (TM) orgasm from last season? They stopped payment on the
check? All right, that does it, for Survivor 4 in Tahiti, we're
exclusively using Mastercard (TM), no more of these penny-ante money wiring
problems!
So where were we? Oh yeah, Samburu wins
handily, thanks entirely to Kelly - not that we're overlooking the valuable
page-turning service provided by Lindsey - and gorges themselves on the
food and Mountain Dew (TM). Sadly, instead of further tales of Rodger's
holy leaf and the tent's aroma of Nick's ass, this year all we're treated
to is a lusty belch, emanating from somewhere in the vicinity of the amorphous
carbon-based body. Oh, and a ten-minute tease of KimP almost, nearly,
maybe, it might be, it could be, it... nah... not-quite puking.
But Lex seems pretty cranked up from all the Mountain Dew (TM), at least.
There may have been some clever comments, but they were buried under an
avalanche of further whispers. All the fizz and caffeine clearly
goes to Lindsey's head, though, causing her to admit that maybe, they
just might have "treated Frank and Teresa poorly." Future contestants
take note: apologizing on camera, even in a confessional, is a sure sign
of imminent expulsion. It happened to Jerri, and it could happen
to you.
The next day (Day 17) seems to consist entirely
of Boran teasing Clarence about the chickens. Well, at least that's
what we think, since there was a lot more whispering involved. Yes,
Clarence, unlike everyone else on the show, is still interested in food.
Frank swears that he, himself, could take or leave the practice of eating,
but this weak Clarence fella just seems addicted to it. Everyone
has a fine time playing hide-the-egg, hilarity ensues, and then a chicken's
goose is cooked, along with the rest of it. Frank rethinks his devotion
to fasting.
Finally, immunity challenge day dawns on Samburu, who
it's clear are going to lose handily, since they've been whispering strategically
the entire episode. To add to the suspense, the ex-Borans hushedly
recall MamaKim flashing the international symbol for "loser" to them at
the RC. "What the hell was that about?" Kelly asks. "I was wiping
the stairs with her atrophied trivia ass!" Slowly, as the sun rises
gently through the sky, creating welcome shade beneath the broad expanse
of the Carbon Lump, it dawns on Kelly that the "loser" to whom MamaKim
was referring might actually be Lindsey. Or Brandon. Could
one of them have votes? Perhaps fearful that this valuable nugget
of wisdom might be overheard, Lex confesses to the camera that they agreed
that it must be Brandon, since everyone (which would be, well, Lex and
Lex) has always thought Brandon had picked up a ballot or two somewhere.
Meanwhile, Boran has learned that the immunity challenge involves archery,
prompting Frank to demonstrate the age-old axiom: "Those who can, do.
Those who can't, teach."
At the challenge, we learn that Americans are simply
hopeless at the ancient tradition of flinging barely-smoldering projectiles
at Disney-produced "tribal" targets that have been soaked in gasoline
and lighter fluid, then rigged with pyrotechnic charges, even at extremely
close range. Except Lex, of course, who inexplicably is able to
hit two targets while shooting like a girl. In a tension-filled,
back-and-forth battle, doomed Lindsey finally comes up, with the chance
to win immunity, and three more short days in Shaba, and promptly shoots
the arrow at a widely-grinning Jeff Probst, standing two feet away.
Sadly, she misses. Ethan, summoning all the forces within, and thinking
back to the sage advice of Obi-Wan Frankobi, closes his eyes and somehow
manages to hit another target, on only his 53rd try, sealing an immunity
win for Boran. As the target bursts into a Death Star-like engulfment
of flames and smoke, Lindsey looks on, seeing her AllRats Empire disintegrating
in front of her.
Speaking of explosions, we next learn that MacGuyver
has recently lost his mullet, and is now putting his encyclopedic knowledge
to use hawking long-distance cards. Look, Kelly, there could be
life after Survivor, after all! Eventually, we're back to
more whispering about Lindsey's predicament. Or, it should have
been, but Brandon was practicing his pissing-off-Boran-to-become-a-target
extra-loud voice at the time, which Kelly hears, then scuttles off to
Lex and Tom. But all is not lost! Lindsey can still turn traitor,
and vote for Brandon! She whispers something along these lines to
her newfound bosom ex-Boran pals (we think). As soon as she departs,
they collapse in convulsive fits of laughter, fighting back tears to ask,
"Did she get that strategy from Silas or something?" The Carbonaceous
Blob reflects the waning sun's rays warmly.
At tribal council, the gamut of emotions are
run. Samburu laughs, it cries, it discovers Linda's secret stash of ecstasy
and commences extensive hugging. The festivities are interrupted
briefly by the pained guffaws of Jeff Probst, when, after tying Big Tom
in votes, 3-3, Lindsey admits the obvious, and makes a break for the exit.
"Not so fast!" Herr Probst screeches. "Don't make me swap you guys around
again! This is my fifteen minutes of unexciting camera time, and
no surprisingly likeable, now-almost-bruise-free chick like you is going
to rob me of it! Now, we'll do things my way. Tommy Boy, tell us
about yourself!"
"Well," Tom drawls, "as an inanimate lump of
elemental carbon, I am unlikely to alter significantly within your lifetimes,
being as I have a near-infinite half-life." Lindsey uses her speech
to give a heartwarming thumbs up to the time-honored tradition of almost
stabbing your friend in the back, then thinking better of it at the last
second. She neglects to note that all of this could have been avoided
if she had simply followed through on her voting-booth threat to vote
for herself. More hand-holding, hugs, and kisses follow, as Commandant
Probst slowly, delicately lifts each shockingly unchanged vote from the
ballot box, pausing to smile rakishly at the camera with each one.
After a few retakes to ensure they got his good side, he eventually relents,
and allows Lindsey to leave with her dignity squarely intact. Oddly,
she was the only one not crying this time.
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Episode
5:
Sighless in Boran
Trust me on this one, that's what it was called. All right, maybe it was
"The Twist"
Days 13-15 = July
23-25, 2001
Aired: November 8, 2001
Silas uses his
special, secret powers of persuasion on an unsuspecting Ethan.
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So we've known since August that some change in the rules was coming this
episode. CBS swore up and down that we should sell our first-born
children before missing the first 15 minutes of this episode, and peppered
the previews with exciting footage of this part of the show, featuring
various people standing around, to help convince us. So without
further ado, pull up a sucky couch, grab yourself a relaxing stopwatch,
and join us in our fifteen minutes of delightful, all-encompassing pleasure,
won't you?
8:00, Ooh, it's starting! Be still our throbbing
pulses! Okay, okay, "last week on Survivor..." yeah we saw that
the first time, get on with it.
8:02, Yes, the Survivor intro! There's
Diane! Is she back? Let the huzzahs rain down among the common
folk!
8:03, Fantastic, thrill-a-minute, mega-exciting
commercials. There is a God.
8:05, The best fifteen minutes of our pathetic
lives are now one-third over. Good thing there's this extra minute
of commercials to enjoy them with.
8:06, Samburu, Night 12. There's the moon...
we've got it! The exciting twist is that the RC winner gets to go up on
the International Space Station? Oh wait, that's another show....
More spooky night vision. We learn Teresa's navy Braves cap looks
baby blue in this light. Okay, it's starting to get good!
In a stunning departure from the last episode, Lindsey is pissed off about
Tribal Council. Silas is helping build Samburu team morale by ranting
and raving. He lectures Frank and Teresa on the importance of honesty
and trust. Teresa actually gets to speak on camera when other people
are present. KimP looks on, dozingly.
8:09, Nearing the two-thirds point. It's morning
in Samburu, and Frank and T-Bird are pleased as punch at their Silas-riling
power. We hear endlessly about their excitement. We see them
collect their tree mail, and then, we switch to Boran. Tick tick tick....
8:12, Okay, time's running out, but we're finally there.
Samburu has to pick three people to go on a quest. Brandon, Lindsey
and KimP quickly decide that that sounds way too much like work, what
with all the walking and moving around and such, and nominate Frank and
Teresa. They rochambeau for the last slot, and decide this would
be a good time for Silas to give the old farts another extensive lecture
on teamwork and trustworthiness. Off they go, to meet Jeff Probst
at the original drop-off point. Frank gets them to hide behind bushes
for a second, while he secures the area, to make sure it's clear of gun-toting
truck drivers. After Frank makes a hooting sound, signalling "all
clear," they join Probster, Lex, Kelly and Big Tom. Jeff anounces
stentoriously that they must switch Buffs (TM), which is very important,
because CBS is now selling them! Be sure to buy your Boran and Samburu
ones quickly, before they become passe at the merge! So many uses!
You can wear them any way you want! They also have a million uses
in cleaning your house! It's a dust mop! It's a toilet brush!
It's an attractive lampshade!
Wait, where were we? Oh yeah: 8:14, Frank,
Teresa and Silas are now Boran; Kelly, Lex and Tom, sorry, but you're
Samburu. Hey, those are the breaks. Better luck next
reality show. They hike back to their new camps. There is
no sign of the water Boran dumped out the first time, although Tom mumbles
at length something unintelligible about running and water and buffs.
We could go rewind the tape and decode it, but we're pretty sure we don't
want to know.
So that's it. Oh wait, it's still 8:15,
and, just like clockwork, we have our prize: a telling confessional with
Silas. He admits that, on "my other tribe, I had an alliance with
four of the young people." See, this is important. We now
know Silas has a few problems telling his threes and fours apart.
He's also revealing a deep secret to America, in case they were watching
Friends the last four weeks. Good, hearty stuff. Whew!
After all that excitement, we need a break. Guess it's time to relax,
read a book, and get ready for The Tick in fifteen minutes.
Aaaahhhh. Now our lives are complete.
Dammit, the remote's broken again! Guess we'll
just have to sit here and watch the rest. Frank and Teresa look
so happy to be out of Samburu, they could cry like Lindsey. Unfortunately,
their counterparts - Lex, Kelly and Tom - are now busy collecting firewood
for their new tribe, while the remaining AllRats take a five-hour power
nap. Lindsey needs her beauty sleep, you know. Think how bad
that scabby bruise and those greasy braids would look with only twelve
hours' sleep! Seriously, it's in your best interest, guys.
Meanwhile, the former Borans are beginning to suspect they may not have
gotten the long end of the stick here. Words like "lazy," "castrated,"
and "lame" start to float around, gradually settling on the mosquito nets
covering the slumbering AllRats. Tom has some choice epithets, which
were apparently dubbed for the audience's benefit, since these are the
first words out of his mouth we've understood. Meanwhile, as those
sneaky ex-Borans hustle off to fetch some partially-runny mud, the AllRats
scuttle about, plotting strategies for hiding Lindsey's personality.
Brandon offers to eat it while the others are away, but can't seem to
figure out the right spices to go with it. Clearly, as CBS has promised
us, All Alliances And Friendships Are Shattered... Forever!
Over at Boran, Frank and Teresa think long at hard
about all they've learned from Silas about "trust, honor." After
that second passes, they tell MamaKim, Ethan and Clarence that not only
does Silas have three votes against him, but hey, if we don't even go
to the RC, can we vote him off today? Is there some rule against
that? Back at Samburu, Kelly discusses the new Samburu's chances
in physical challenges with Lex. They quickly come to the conclusion:
"We suck!" Later, Tom and Lex demonstrate, using Lindsey's ass,
that boiling water does not, in fact, cause a tick to release itself.
Sorry, Carl, those are the breaks. Better luck next reality show.
Speaking of ticks, it's now 8:28, and time to switch over to FOX.
Dammit, the remote's still broken! Ah
well, at least we get to see Probster in a fetching, authentic, traditional
African tribal cowboy hat, because today's RC is goat herding. Yee
haw! Apparently, MB overheard Kelly's cutting remarks about her
new team's physical prowess, and hastily redesigned the caber-tossing
challenge into one that Tom couldn't possibly, in a million years, lose.
Yes, goat herding (next week's challenge: "Who has the most tattoos?").
This week, the entire cast was been digitally spliced in from cable-access
footage of last year's Yoknapatawpha County Fair. We also have some
leftover footage of the cow-bleeding Masai tribesmen, which is thrown
in for good measure. Brandon, as is his wont, helps out Samburu
by standing around again. Lindsey appears to communicate with the
goats by jumping up and down, frantically. Tom cracks a broad grin,
and looks around for his tractor. Not finding it, he leisurely picks
up a goat and saunters back to the corral. Maybe the tractor was
back there. Remarkably, despite MB's best-laid plans, the six-member
team that has the four strongest men on the show, several of whom toss
goats around two at a time, manages to win this. The tribesmen chuckle
at the thought that these silly Americans running around trying to pick
up goats actually think they are locked in a life-and-death struggle with
survival. Ethan looks at the chickens his tribe has just won, and
starts naming them.
Ethan and MamaKim now discuss intentionally losing
the IC. The topic is then immediately switched, and all references to
it are tragically lost to the alcoves of game show history. But
we still have time to kill before the Immunity Challenge, so this is as
good a time as any for more footage of Lindsey crying. Here she
is, crying to KimP and Brandon. Next, we see her crying alone in
her confessional. Top it off with some complaints from Brandon that
the AllRat women bitch and moan too much, and we're good to go.
Mark Burnett huddles his production crew for an emergency
meeting. "Look, I could've sworn they'd send Lindsey with Silas
and Frank. How was I to know this would happen? We've got
to come up with something that will allow us to air more footage of Lindsey
crying in episode 6! I mean besides the flashbacks!" Eventually,
they settle on puzzles. Sadly, they failed to realize that Silas
is a brilliant strategist, and an effective leader. MB's nefarious
plans are sure to be thwarted. "Ethan, you're the center guy," Silas
commands, putting the soccer player in charge of arranging the pieces.
Then, being the kind of quarterback who isn't afraid to run the ball himself
once in a while, Silas immediately commences screaming orders about where
the pieces should be placed. Remarkably, Brandon finds another opportunity
to stand around himself, performing a similar role for Samburu.
Eventually, the cohesive power of Silas' endlessly motivating shouts of
"come on, let's go!" win out, and Boran manages to not put their puzzle
together before Samburu does. Off camera, MB exhales deeply, and
wipes several gallons of sweat from his deeply-furrowed brow. Sensing
Silas' promise to take her to the final two may now be in jeopardy, Lindsey
shrugs, then stares deeply into the eyes of the immunity idol, slipping
it some tongue. "Don't talk, baby," she coos, "we're going all the
way."
8:50, and it's time for the misdirection to start flying.
Clarence is dead meat, we're told, and Silas is sure that Frank, Teresa,
Ethan and Kim will all vote against Clarence. It's lock solid.
Okay, maybe some of them might vote for me. At TC, Silas convinces
Jeffy that, "Once we put on the yellow buffs (Buy one now! Be the
envy of everyone in the office!) we're a team." Probster suspects
that Silas may have been using the royal "we" in this case, as he gives
up reading the votes against Silas after the fourth one.
Sadly, as Silas gets up to leave, there are no hugs
for the Great Motivator. Dammit, I knew we shouldn't have voted
off Linda last week, he thinks, as his torch is snuffed. Silas trudges
off, thinking about that million-dollar check he had Mark Burnett fill
out three days ago. Was that with three zeros, or four? Ah,
what's the difference!
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Episode
4:
The Chip's Down
Looks like some daggone grits done got in the daggone keyboard again.
It was really
"The Young and Untrusted"
Days 10-12 = July 20-22,
2001
Aired: November 1, 2001
Silas "Chip" Gaither -
Bartender, Actor, Boy Genius.
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For its fourth episode, Survivor: Africa seems to be hitting a
comfortable rhythm. Odd-numbered episodes equal conflict, tension;
even-numbered ones equal soothing release and predictability. Like
the beating of the heart of Mother Africa, lub-DUB, lub-DUB. Oops,
did we say Mother Africa? That was the last episode's Linda.
This time, there are several Lindas, all inhabiting one head, as far as
we can tell.
We open, as we are prone to do, in the last episode.
Because, to be honest, the majority of the action in each show occurs
in the camp of the tribe that has just returned from tribal council.
How can this valuable night-vision footage possibly be wasted? Anyway,
this time it's compelling, because it serves to contrast the moody, over-the-top
antics of the borderline psychotic Lindsey, seen teetering on the brink
of abject lunacy on the night of Day 9, with the moody, over-the-top antics
of the borderline psychotic Linda, who is seen teetering on the brink
of abject lunacy on the morning of Day 10. See the shocking, amazing
difference? It's totally night and day!
Anyway, the point of these two sequences is to give us more
insight into both the powerful dynamics of the Samburu tribe and the complex
characters of Lindsey and Linda. Especially Linda, since she needs
some screen time beyond simple confessionals. Samburu, we learn
through thirty minutes of painstaking exposition, apparently directed
at those people who watched Friends last week, but are inexplicably
not doing so this time, is a tribe divided. See, this wasn't immediately
obvious from the marathon voting session on the previous episode, or the
three weeks of bickering and sniping we've been subjected to. Linda,
we learn, is none too fond of Lindsey. Who knew? Lindsey,
it seems, has a twig to pick with those fossils who dared cast votes against
her: "I guessed right on two out of three true-false questions, beating
the average by a full half a question! So don't mess with me, goddammit!"
Yes, Samburu was the best of tribes, it was the worst of
tribes. The AllRats fondle each other in front of the remaining oldies,
causing looks of consternation to flit across the elders' wizened faces.
Linda asks Teresa, "I thought we already took all the ecstacy hits out
of the first aid kit - have those thieving little runts been hoarding
a secret stash again?" Frank merely looks disgruntled, and wanders
off to find a pot to sabotage. Lindsey shares her deep thoughts
with everyone in Africa, about how she is one badass motherfucker, and
despite an inordinate amount of crying, is a force to be reckoned with.
Brandon stifles a snicker, then, thinking about food again, eats the remaining
Samburu food supply.
Next, we move, of course, to Boran for (what else)
some comic relief. This week, the characters of Clarence and Tom
are being lifted from old Warner Brothers cartoons. Tom is, of course,
the retarded hunting dog: "Duh, hey Clarence, which way did the food go?"
Clarence points up a tree. Tom scurries up, forgetting that (1)
he weighs about 800 pounds, (2) trees are tall, and (3) the laws of gravity
still apply, even in Africa. He makes pretty good progress, until
he commits the cardinal cartoon sin of stopping in midair, feeling the
air below his feet, then looking down. With a pitiful, resigned
wave to the camera, Tom comes crashing back to Earth. Tom 'n' Clay
then try blowing the tree up with an Acme Explosives Kit, building an
Acme Jet Pack to run up the tree, and tending the garden that the producers
gave them. (Admittedly, some of this seems to have ended up on the cutting
room floor, at least for broadcast purposes, but we're pretty sure you
can still fork over a Jackson to CBS to possibly watch it on their extremely
user-friendly Insider pay service, assuming your system is configured
exactly the way Real Media wants it to be). Eventually, they settle
on throwing rocks at the palm dates, which after Clarence nearly hacks
off his hand opening one, they then throw away.
Now it's back to Samburu, where it's Linda Fucks With
the AllRats Day (LFWAD). The newly-empowered AllRats finally get
their beauty sleep, but are still grumpy when Linda wakes them up to condescendingly
remind them that they have a challenge that morning. She bows and
scrapes in mock obeisance to Queen Lindsey, allowing her highness to read
the happy proclamation: The producers want Brandon to have more food to
steal. Suddenly, the AllRats are all aflutter, and Silas gathers
his happy subjects for a sincere, heartwarming, unifying pep talk, which
he thinks he saw on one of the Mighty Ducks movies, possibly the second
one. Sure the sound was off, and he was drinking at the time, but
he thinks he got the gist of it. On bended knee, he begins his masterful,
cohesive speech, then looks up to see Linda completely flipping out.
In a part finger-puppet show, part game of charades, part game of tag,
Linda flits around the campsite like a butterfly whose wing Silas has
just set on fire with a magnifying glass. As Silas nods gravely
at Frank to fetch the tranquilizer darts, Linda suddenly starts hugging
everyone, especially Lindsey, who resumes bawling. Linda then respects
Lindsey's space by hugging her again. Silas leans back and admires
the outcome of a motivational speech well done.
Remarkably, Samburu carries this team spirit on to
the RC, where they flit over nets to retrieve baskets of food, especially
Brandon, who just seems to levitate toward anything remotely edible.
It helps that Samburu is not saddled with Tom, who releases some amusing
grunts, or MamaKim, who makes up for her lack of speed by moving more
slowly. Boran is sad, but support MamaKim for unknown reasons, since
that would reveal too much of the storyline. Except Clarence, of
course, who reminds us that women are only good for making him food.
Or at least giving him an excuse to get some food himself. Later
the AllRats show us their kinder, gentler way of taking care of camp chores:
exactly the same way the elders did it, except Silas orders them around,
instead of Frank. Oh, and Frank and Teresa still have to do some
heavy lifting.
Crammed up against this is the immunity challenge,
in which the Survivors completely recreate the nomadic lifestyles of native
peoples, by moving houses that look nothing like the ones the native tribes
live in, in manners the tribes would not use, over a distance no tribe
would bother moving (200 feet). But it gives Boran another chance
to win, as Brandon again bravely volunteers not to help with what looks
like sweaty work, possibly in an area infested with bugs, and Lindsey
gets a chance to throw another fit. Somehow shocked that tiny KimP
would put them at a disadvantage versus the burly Boran movers, Lindsey
slams her house corner down in disgust, as the undermanned Samburus watch
Boran race past them to victory. Boran spends a happy day bonding
with each other as a tribe, and appreciating nature, which means of course
that they're headed to Tribal Council next week.
This gives us an opportunity to revisit the happy,
happy, happy Samburu camp. Since there's still twenty minutes left
on the show, and the only suspense is whether the AllRats boot angry,
rude, antagonistic Linda or invisible Teresa, Mark Burnett opts to play
up the "mystery" by having Teresa actually speak on camera, asking the
AllRats who they are planning to boot. This is, as the producer
has instructed them to say on camera, a huge secret. After this
scene, which is played over and over again for comedic effect, Silas hatches
a brilliant plan. This time, he tries another surefire motivational
speech, this one from another Disney movie he saw, "Brer Rabbit and the
Briar Patch." Okay, he was stoned at the time, and he's not really
sure how it ended, but he thinks it went something like: "Look you old
farts, I'm going to win, and you're not. It's too bad, but those
are the breaks. Now, since I'm already thinking of ways to spend
the million bucks, please, whatever you do, don't vote for me at Tribal
Council. Because that would suck, and did I mention that I'd like
to buy both a Porsche and a Mercedes right away? Or that my dad
is a successful dentist? Wait, where was I going with this?
Oh yeah, don't vote for me, I order you."
And, in a breathtaking turn of events, sure to be unrivaled
even by the immensely shocking "twist" in episode 5 next week, the AllRats
vote Linda, and the old folks vote Silas, aka "Chip". This was,
of course, heavily foreshadowed by lengthy scenes of Frank carving his
family's names into his torch, on his birthday, sniffling about how he
played the game right. But we digress. We now close with Linda's
parting message to America's youth: "And I would have gotten away with
it too, if it hadn't been for those meddling kids." How true, Linda,
how true.
Bonus
coverage!
It's... Cranky Andy's Bullet-riddled Analysis!
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The gay joke heard round the world.... I watched last night's show
in a room with 3 devout Catholics, 2 born-again Christians and a
4-year-old boy. When Brandon described Teresa's
idea as "Leaving a bitter taste in his mouth..." every single one
of us voiced a joke in response... even the 4-year-old. I
am not going to reprint them here because I am sure you all heard
them last night.
.
Bargaining 101 with Silas: "Do what we want! No,
there's nothing in it for you. C'mon. Be a dude. Do
what we want."
.
Frank is really getting the most out of this experience.
Last night he called someone else a misfit. Who'd have ever
thought Frank would have the opportunity to call someone else
a misfit? Thank you, CBS.
.
I think Boran was on camera last night for about 30 seconds and
20 of that involved some sort of cow. No, Diane hasn't
returned, it was an actual cow.
.
Apparently it was a super-deadly form of cow, too. Not too deadly
for a camera man to get a real nice close-up of it, as it drowsily
ate some grass, but still deadly, nonetheless.
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.
I have watched a lot of National Geographic, and I am fairly
certain that I have never seen anyone carrying a roof around the
Central African plains. Maybe I missed that part.
.
Oh, and thanks for defining "nomad" for us, Jeff. I guess since
your wife kicked you out of the house, you're kind of a nomad
too.
.
Any doubt that Boran was officially in vacation mode were
erased last night when they went on a hike before the immunity
challenge.
.
Oh what the heck: Brandon, is that the first time something a
woman has done has left a bitter taste in your mouth?
.
I'll bet now she will never call you again, just like the rest
of them, huh Brandon?
.
It is always bitter when all you eat is corn fritters and water,
you should have her eat some pineapple.
.
And finally, when Tom said "It reminds me of something
that rhymes with grits," I'll bet he was thinking of the word
"goats."
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