TDT editorial note: This appeared in our inbox over the weekend. Like most everything else Survivor-related that we get by email, we assumed it was fake. Mostly because (1) it appeared to come from Lafayette, LA, and nobody from there would ever dream of leaking stuff to people who post spoilers, and (2) we don't think Russell Hantz knows how to type. But upon further review, it saves us the trouble of writing a recap. Win-win, as far as we're concerned. (Edited for spelling, grammar, and resemblance to the English language, although we tried to keep the "feel" somewhat).
Hi y'all, I'm Russell Hantz. I'm the greatest Survivor player ever, and this season I been making an appearance on the show as the greatest immunity idol ever. At least I used to be, until that double-crossing Jeff Probst took me out of circulation. So I wrote to this here web site to get my story out, since those fool editors already cut my comments out of the show. The King of Samoa AND Nicaragua ain't goin' down without a fight.
We had a deal, Jeff! You promised me I'd be safe to the merge because I would BE the tribal immunity idol, all disguised with a metal shell and a fancy hat. I'd get to see each tribe when they took me back to camp, and I'd pick out which people to form alliances with (I like the looks of that Kelly S, but it don't matter, they're all a bunch of whiny babies). But then you cut me out of the show! Me, the greatest player ever! How you can you have a season of Survivor without me telling everyone how great I play the game, Jeff? That's like Happy Days without Chachi, or Van Halen without Sammy Hagar!
You promised me I just had to sit tight as the immunity idol, and I'd be there every episode, until I finally got to enter the game at the merge, and just work my charms and be the only player to reach the finals three straight seasons. But you lied, Jeff! You took me out in episode six! Just for that, I ain't coming back. Okay, maybe for one more episode, but that's it. And maybe next season. And every all-star season after that, unless CBS does the right thing and cancels the show. But they won't, because I'll be on them. So here it goes: I'ma tell you all the stuff that REALLY happened out there on Survivor: Nicaragua.
First off, where does this clown Marty get off acting like he's the king? I'm the only king, dammit. Me. Russell Hantz. So that Marty talked that Fabio kid into thinking he was good at chess or tennis or something. Big deal. I was the one that started dumbass blond alliances! Me, Russell Hantz! Anyway, Marty ain't nothing, 'cuz I seen a lot of that Fabio kid, and here's some other stuff he believed:
So as I said, that Jeff Probst double crossed me at that challenge they had. Now I never cared all that much about the challenges. If we won that was great, no sweat for me. And if we lost, I just had to tell someone they was going home. Simple as that. But these people, they get all excited, 'cuz of Jeff Probst. You'd think they'd get all sad when that guy took me away, but no, they were focused on some shiny necklaces or something. And you should've seen them when he said they was gonna have some feast at tribal council (you were probably busy crying that he took me away, and didn't see it, right?).
After Jeff took me away and dangled some necklaces in their faces, and talked about food, it was all they could stand. Babies. And the challenge? Talk about stupid. Digging up ropes with paddles and flipping them up in the air? Can you believe it was called "Kitty Litter?" Probably that dummy Jeff Probst came up with that. He looks like a guy who probably walks around behind his cat, flinging cat turds up into the air and catching them in a fanny pack. Like that guy in that "Garfield" comic. Now that cat is funny.
Well anyway, you know there's something wrong with a game if two old women can win it, and not me. And you know what? That challenge was so dumb, I'm glad they didn't make me go back to camp with one of them tribes, and listen to them doing their stupid "strategy" stuff. The only strategy you need is tell someone they're leaving, then find an idol in case they get mad. But you saw what they did on the TV. All talking away about who they was gonna boot, and how many votes they give to this person. Like I said, a bunch of dummies. If they were real players, they'da walked right up to Marty and said: "You're going home tonight. Good luck getting out of that." Tie votes are for losers that can't yell loud enough.
But that's what they did, and they STILL didn't get rid of that Marty. I can't believe they watched me rule the game twice, and didn't figure out how to send someone home. I just wanted to break out of my metal case and slap them when I heard that. They got rid of some girl with one leg, but that's okay because girls always win this dumb game anyway. Might as well get rid of 'em. Then the other tribe in the blue, they got rid of some girl I never even saw before. Probably a good move there. They must've been watching me play before.
So anyway, I'm Russell Hantz, and I'm the greatest player of all time. I'm glad they gave me a TV in here to pass the time, but I'm having a bit of trouble opening this metal case, now that filming's over. Anybody know a good locksmith? Anyone? Maybe a welder? Hello?