Yeah, we know this one is beyond fashionably late. But the fact is, this series bores us. And the only thing more painful than watching it the first time is having to remember what happened well enough to write about it afterwards. Plus, we're pissed that CBS has saved some of the best footage (such as Rob's voting comments) for their bogus pay-per-view conspiracy with Yahoo! (thankfully, Yahoo! only grudgingly admits that Macs exist, so even if we were under the influence of massive quanitities of drugs, we couldn't watch that stuff, anyway. Although it might make the actual show better).
So instead, in the spirit of the Yahoo! Platinum footage we're not watching, we present to you: even more deleted scenes from Episode 5:
Day 13: The big "date"
Jenna: "Okay, here's the deal: I'll tell you all my tribe's secrets, as long as you keep your nerd germs off of me."
As Jenna and Dave settle down for their summit meeting, Burnett's master plan to finally get to film some real sex are quickly falling apart. Dave has unfortunately mentioned his occupation to Jenna. "You're a what? Get out!" Dave looks confused. "No I mean it, get out! I don't want to spend the night with a geek! I'll bet you weren't even in a fraternity, were you?" Dave, taken aback, stammers, "Well, as an engineer, I know all the Greek letters! Even in lowercase! Does that help?"
Watching the live feed safely out of sight, Mark Burnett and Jeff Probst are conferring about how this could have happened. Probst is flabbergasted. "I swear, Boss, Rob swore he was 22 in his audition video. We all thought he was the youngest!" Burnett fumes silently for a few minutes. Eventually, he says, "Jeff, this is inexcusable. We even promised Rob this would be coming, and look what we have going on now." (On the monitor, Jenna is further covering herself up with a bath robe). "Don't think I can't step in to host this next season. After all, the Eco-Challenge is only on for one week a year, and there's only so much more screentime I can hijack from that show."
Day 14: Tambaqui
Butch: "Oh my Lord, she's tipping over again! Don't let those things hit the machetes, they might explode!"
The new, more female, members of Tambaqui arrive to a warm welcome. Hugs are exchanged all around, and then everyone stands around in a circle, getting better acquainted. Seeing as this is the best opportunity to address everyone at once, one of the women pipes up with an important announcement....
It's Heidi. "Just so everyone knows, I am extremely cute." She pauses briefly to pick some of the scabs off of her face.
"I know some people on the other tribe had some problems with this" (she glares intently at Jeanne, while readjusting the drawstring of her pants, which are threatening to slip off her skeletal frame). "But I can't help it. But I will need some special considerations, such as you guys doing all the work while I sit around. Because you all have more body fat than me, and besides, I'm better looking."
So that's it. Yeah, it's short, but not much happened. Join us next week, during which we're sure hilarity will ensue. Somewhere, anyway. Maybe.