Episode
12
"The Tides Are Turning"
Days 34-36: July
13-15, 2002
Aired: December 12, 2002
"Ummm, I'm pretty sure I told you the answer was in English, Brian."
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That's a skate sticking
out of your back there, buddy
Two
episodes, three hours, and five Chuay-Gahns to go. That is, the five
CGs, safe from eviction since Episode 4, must finally off one of their
own. Oh the humanity! Or the animality, as the open montage of random
insectivorous activity might suggest. That is, as this episode opens,
we see a lot of bugs getting eaten: both by the contestants' "loved"
ones (ahem), and by each other.
This was necessary because the traditional opening
scene, showing the reaction back at camp after tribal council, apparently
failed to live up even to the prestigious levels of footage deemed worthy
of inclusion in Survivor: Thailand. We hear it went something
like this... Helen: "So Jake's gone." Clay: "Ayyup."
Ted: "Mmm." Jan: (crying). Brian: "What was his name
again? Soon-Jin? Obi-Wan? Bill?"
On the plus side, the scenes of animal-on-animal
crime give us the impression that this week, we're gonna see some blood.
Of course, had we thought through this more thoroughly, we might have
realized that insects have clear hemolymph instead of blood, so at best
we're due for clear liquids, much as in Episodes 8 and 9 (ugh).
As it turns out, the correct answer actually
lies somewhere in between. Twitching in its death throes, an ice skate
sticking out of its back. Because with the easy Sook-Jai boots out of
the way, the final two episodes will be all about ratcheting up the
"intrigue," or at least whatever footage they can cobble together
that points to the final pair being two people other than Brian and
Clay. Which brings us to our annual hint to future contestants: If you
want good camera time, make sure in every confessional you list every
possible alliance you have, and say "I could go with any one of
these." It really doesn't matter if you've never even talked to
these people, just throw them in. That will make it much easier for
the editors to create red herring story lines, in which you'll be the
center of attention as the "swing" vote. And before every
tribal council, make sure to say, "It's a tough choice, I still
haven't made up my mind yet." No matter what the "story"
is that week, you'll be center stage.
So anyway, as we were saying, Brian, no longer content
with being a mere king, now has decided he has magical freezing powers
(wasn't that one of the Wonder Twins' talents?). And in an extended
monologue, mixing hockey and baseball metaphors, he explains his cool
and calm demeanor is due to his ice skating prowess. Yeah, we bet he'd
kick an ass or two....
But just as the Zamboni is about to sweep Brian
away, we are relieved to see Clay standing in front of a mirror. Well,
as relieved as that can possibly make us, anyway. While the men play
a competitive game of "count the wrinkles," Jan and Helen
complain that their mirror time has been usurped. Clay patiently (which
for him involves only half the usual amount of eye rolling) explains,
"Look, you two are just not part of our plans, get used to it.
Okay, neither is Ted, but he's too big to move out of the way. Besides,
as Ted has already pointed out, we don't want it broken, Granny. And
Helen doesn't have a reflection, anyway." Clay then resumes kissing
his picture and admiring his pecs.
While Clay is busy counting the "blond"
hairs in his beard, Brian and Ted take the opportunity to discuss their
"alliance." As he did with Helen in the previous episode,
Brian shakes his head, whistles loudly, averts his eyes, and clears
his throat every time Ted brings up their agreement to go to the final
two. Puzzled by this, Ted asks Brian if they're still going to the final
two together. "No way in hell, man. You'd beat me," Brian
responds flatly. Later in a confessional, Ted begins to suspect that
Brian may be "waving" a bit in his allegiance. But he's still
pretty sure it's a "hello" wave.
But that's okay, because Ted can at least work
with Helen on taking down Clay. With Clay sitting two feet away, they
take turns cracking each other up by drawing unflattering cartoons of
Clay in the sandy floor of the cave: Clay getting crushed by anvils,
hanging from a noose, and having his way with Magilla. Then they build
a two-times-life-size scale model of Clay (which fits neatly in the
palm of Ted's hand), and take turns poking it with sticks, like a voodoo
doll. Between winces, Clay pretends not to notice. But we can tell he's
crying on the inside.
Then, at long last, we get another extended
product placement for a Survivor advertiser, in this case the
Chevy Trailblazer. And in a completely unscripted moment, Jeff Probst
lists off the exciting features of the new Trailblazer, including its
plush interior, ample head and leg room, seating for six adults, impressive
fuel economy, and luxurious styling. "There's no way I'd ever sell
this on eBay, like all those other crap SUVs you guys have given away,"
Ted swears. Looking over at Probst, he asks "That was enough to
get me in one of their commercials after this show ends, right?"
But first, there's the formality of the reward
challenge to get through. This one is yet another puzzle, this time
involving collecting eight letters, and unscrambling them to form a
phrase that, because the producers thought "Trailblazer" might
be too difficult to spell, ought to be obvious even to Tom Green. Initially,
this seems like it might be difficult, what with all the various stages,
but everyone races through and collects all their letters with little
fanfare. Except Jan, of course, possibly because the producers were
worried about the liability issues involved in letting an old person
drive a large truck around Thailand.
So it quickly becomes a race to rearrange the
letters. Looking over at Ted and Clay, Brian does some quick calculations,
and decides to try the decoy move of submitting the misspelled "RAODTRIP"
as an answer, hissing over at Ted, "Hey Ted, it's 'Roadtrip', hurry
up! And spelling it R-A-O won't work!" Getting the last tip, Ted
hastily rearranges his letters, and accepts his truck with all the subtle,
restrained grace of Sean Rector. And for the second part of his reward,
a spa-style night full of food and booze, he selects Helen, "So
we can talk about voting off Clay some more."
Which, of course they do. Several times. On
the road, during dinner, after dinner while Ted is in a drunken stupor,
during their respective showers, during the massage, while Helen is
trying to sleep, and during the trip back. Ted is apparently worried
that Helen will forget that she needs to recruit Jan for this to work.
Helen spends the entire night muttering through her gritted teeth, "Serenity
now! Serenity now!"
Back at camp, Helen wearily wanders over to
Jan. "Okay, Jan, I promised about a thousand times I would do this,
so here goes: Do you want to vote off Clay? Please say no, because I've
asked Mark Burnett if we can just hold the Tribal Council now, just
so I can get some breathing room from Ted for a day." Jan thinks
about it for a while, then replies, "No, Clay may a lazy, domineering
jerk, but if we vote him off, Brian might not win. And Brian is the
king, after all." Helen sighs, relieved. She then wanders off to
give her daily "Swing vote" confessional.
Which means it must be about time for the immunity
challenge. In a stunning turn of events, this one is another puzzle.
On the plus side, this one is designed in such a way as to allow you
to gauge the progress of the contestants (or lack, in Helen's case)
as the complete the insertion of the ten puzzle-piece steps in their
staircases. Brian and Clay battle it out, until with six steps completed,
Clay mysteriously finds that none of his four remaining pieces fit in
the seventh slot. The cameramen later explain that the producers wanted
to preserve the "Clay gets booted" story line, just in case.
So, despite all attempts to let someone else win, Brian gets his first
chance to wear the pointy necklace.
This actually works out the best for the "drama"
aspects of the show, because Helen has tipped off all the other castmembers
about this "Swing vote" confessional trick. Even Jan joins
in the fun! And the excitement spills over to tribal council, which
is filled with insightful, creative statements such as "It's hard
to vote these people off, they're like family," and "Who knows
what the future will hold? This game is filled with mystery." We're
beginning to suspect the cue card writers may have gone on strike.
And as another tribal council draws to a close,
we begin to suspect that literacy may be a bigger problem with these
contestants than Brian's creative submission would have led us to believe,
since for the second straight show, the departing contestant (in this
case, Ted), tries to vote Clay off by spelling it "Jan." Good
thing they haven't had a spelling bee challenge. Yet.
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