Episode
8
Coconuts to you!
Days 22-24: December
3-5, 2001
Aired: April 18, 2002
"Maybe if I cover
myself with mud, I can channel the spirit of Rudy. Or at least
fashion myself a stylish bikini."
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The first few episodes post-merge are always problematic for Survivor.
Season after season, the dominant tribe methodically picks off the hapless
minority tribe, which usually creates a massive, suspense-free void up
until the final episode, or thereabouts. Except for Survivor:
Africa, where Boran stupidly handed away their advantage by booting
Kelly, only to be superceded in their complete lack of mental acuity by
Samburu, who couldn't count to four and realize they had either Tom or
Lex on the ropes. After which, of course, the predictable routing
resumed. But nobody watched that season anyway, so the point stands.
Surprisingly, this season featured another opportunity
for a dominant tribe to finally get their comeuppance. Well, okay,
as long you overlook the fact that the "dominant" pureblooded Rotu Four
are actually outnumbered by the five Rotu/Maraamu half-breeds. Still,
their swagger and taunting (not to mention fifty minutes of Mark Burnett-abetted
editing) might lead you to believe the Rotu Four were actually running
the show, and the rest are just doomed underdogs. Maybe, just maybe,
could Paschal and Neleh be the first contestants ever to actually rub
two neurons together, and accept a tribe-shifting alliance that gives
them power? Well, that's giving them a little too much credit, since
Sean, Vee and Kathy saw this immediately, and it takes these two the better
part of three days to catch a clue. We'll see what unfolds.
Most of which would appear to be the fabric of Sean's
shorts, as a discussion of Rob's boot (and the exciting prospect for all
remainining of unpaid jury duty) is quickly snuffed as Sean delights the
tribe with the musical and aromatic talents of his ass. To announce
bedtime, he pumps out a jaunty version of "Taps," which doubles as a requiem
for poor, forehead-tattooed Rob. Sadly, the other contestants have
little appreciation for creative instrumentation, and, nit-pickiing about
the smell of Sean's sonatas, embark on a half-hour long diatribe about
why they want to boot him.
Paschal, suddenly realizing he's actually on the show,
decides this is a good opportunity to get more camera time, and slips
out to sleep by the fire. Perhaps he did not think this through
very carefully, because he knew good and well that massive wind was breaking
across the campsite. The swirling vapors breathe life to the fire,
as Paschal cowers on the ground, desperately trying to cover his nose
and mouth. It is a long, long night. Eventually, though, Soliantu
awake to find that Sean's farts have flattened two nearby trees.
Oh, the humanity!
Seeing an opportunity to take advantage of a contestant's,
uh, "talents," Burnett immediately comes up with a brilliant plan for
the reward challenge, straight out of Peanuts. And by Peanuts,
we mean, of course, the rich peanutty, chocolatey goodness of Snickers
bars. Mmmm, mmmm, Snickers. Don't let hunger happen to you.
Huh? Where were we? Oh yeah, the Product
Placement Challenge. Wherein the mighty forces of Sean's gaseous
bowels are harnessed to lift brightly-colored kites high into the air.
Jeff Probst primes the pump by feeding everyone a rock-hard chunk of sweet,
delicious Snickers. The only problem with this plan is, for it to
work properly, Sean has to be facing away from his kite, which interferes
with manipulating it. So, basically, everybody stands around, waiting
for their kites to fly themselves. Robert tries thumping Vee in
the head, but does not achieve significant lift. Paschal holds his at
arms length, as if he were a falconer, exhorting the kite to fly free.
Only Kathy (who, we'll note, seemed to boast a prodigious set of lungs
while belching her approval for the sugar-laden items at the post-SOS
challenge feast) appears capable of propeling her kite skyward.
Meanwhile, the guys just... can't... get it up. And soon, Kathy's
won. Again. Holy smokes!
As she gets whisked away for an underwater adventure
that translates remarkably underwhelmingly to the TV screen, this provides
a prime opportunity for the Rotu Four to impress upon Paschal and Neleh
that despite what they promised Rob, Sean and Vee, they'll be dispatching
Sean at their earliest convenience. "Oh yeah, and... we keep telling
Kathy she's safe, but she and Vee are toast, too. So you can trust
us enough to do this, right?"
Paschal and Neleh decide this is a pretty good deal.
Sure, they're numbers five and six in the pecking order, but at least
they're not somewhere between fifth and first on the other side, right?
Meanwhile, Sean and Kathy are busy, off plotting on their own. Either
that or Kathy, still smarting from her unrequited affections for Rob,
has taken a shine to Sean's thigh for other, more prurient, reasons.
It's hard to say, really, what with all the editing.
Anyway, with respect to being courted by Sean, Vee
and Kathy, Paschal will have none of it. "I spend my days putting
African-American men in prison," he laments. "How could I face my
friends at the country club if I helped a colored fella like Sean get
to the finals? Why, they'd take away my parking spot!" Okay,
maybe that part was cut. But he did get a chance to channel the
wayward spirit of Jerri Manthey, meeting Neleh's protests with a simple,
"This game isn't fair."
Luckily, this revelation strikes him just in time for
the immunity challenge. This one bears a striking resemblance both
to previous trivia quizzes and to tried-and-true cutthroat challenges,
such as the plate-breaking one at which Colby cheated, and Big Tom's sole
IC win (its bastard cousin, breaking small pots). But hey, this
time around, they get to wave machetes around, and there are brightly-colored
coconuts involved, in shades so distantly removed from the natural world,
they haven't even been considered yet for new M&Ms shells. The
machetes get to hack ropes holding up the coconuts, in exchange for answering
questions correctly.
Despite receiving a tree mail exhorting them to play
nice, the masterminds in the Rotu Four take this opportunity to broadcast,
with particular glee, their planned order of ousting for the non-Rotu
4 players. After hacking away at Sean, Vee and Kathy, the Four (okay,
Zoe and John) gleefully remove Paschal from the challenge. Slowly,
Neleh begins to suspect that John's promises of final six, a lifetime
pass to Disneyland, a deed for the Brooklyn Bridge, and a pony, may not
all come true. At least not all at once. And she really wanted
that pony.
Anyway, as Tammy prances around the camp in her stylish
immunity necklace, Zoe (who seemed more strategic when she refrained from
opening her mouth) openly ribs Robert that she briefly thought about chopping
Robert's cords instead of booting that loser Paschal from the game, but
then thought better of it. "Dammit!" she bellows. "Did I just
say what I thought, and think the part I wanted to say again? I'll
tell ya, this talking stuff is overrated." And with that, Zoe disappears
from the show for the rest of the episode.
This is a lot for the sharp-as-tacks minds of Paschal
and Neleh to contemplate. John, Zoe, Tammy and Robert say they like
them, but they always pick Paschal and Neleh last when they choose up
sides in dodgeball, and getting held upside down in a flushing toilet
wasn't really as much fun as they'd said it would be, at least not the
last ten times or so. Then there's the desperate, hangdog looks
Sean, Vee and Kathy keep shooting their way, along with the encyclopedia-sized
list of reasons to join their alliance, which they keep stuffing in Paschal's
backpack. What are the new Rodger and Lis to do? Naturally,
they head to water and coat themselves in mud.
Apparently, this means Paschal and Neleh are willing
to get down and dirty. Eeewww, no, not in that sense. Seems
that, in addition to noticing the cameras for the first time, Paschal
has come to the realization that this "survivor" deal may also be some
kind of competition. This concept is further drummed into his head
by Jeff Probst at tribal council, when Pappy's asked, "So, you know these
four are just using you as a pawn to vote the others out, since they're
down 4-5, right? Are you sure you're okay with that?" Through
the magic of editing, we don't see Paschal's decision, at least until
Probst reads the votes, and... John is gone!
So Paschal and Neleh have indeed seized control by
crossing their original tribe, something not seen before in Survivor.
As, uh, did Zoe, although that wasn't actually shown on TV. Surely
a minor detail, since she and Kathy are supposedly on the outs, and such.
Nothing to see here, move it along.
And finally, we're left with John, staring into the
camera, and mumbling some final words. Poor, poor John. He
played his Richard Hatch cards to the fullest, complete with confident
final four confessionals, unnecessary nudity, and excessive alliance-mongering.
Somewhere, somehow, something went horribly, horribly wrong. Clearly,
this ninth-place finish may interfere with his plans to follow in Rich's
footsteps, appearing in ads for Rhode Island casinos and having multiple
days in court. And as the realization of this lost dream gradually
engulfs him, we understand why Neleh called him "Johny Baby." Oh.
Dear. God.
Ah well, at least we can still look forward to an "unpredictable"
Pagonging IV next week.
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