Episode
6
Let Them Eat Quiche
Days 16-18: November
27-29, 2001
Aired: April 4, 2002
"We're giving up
religion for Lent. Let's try new-age mysticism instead!
It's kinkier!"
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This week's episode was creatively titled, "Underdogs." In the Bizarro
world of Mark Burnett's editing room, that means, basically, no matter
what you are led to believe is going to happen, the opposite actually
occurs. So if, say, the previews fall all over themselves screaming
that Rob and John get into a big fight, after which Rob votes against
John at tribal council, the logical conclusion is that Gina, the one on
the other tribe, gets booted. Oops! Did that slip out?
Oh well, pretty much everyone knew this anyway. Try to keep up,
will you?
The show starts, as always, filling time by reminding
us what happened the week before. In addition to providing another
spot for commercials, this allows CBS to admit that the preview that showed
Rob casting his ballot while saying "I'm gonna getcha" was actually from
the previous episode, just not aired during the show. Sure, internet
geeks such as us may have figured that out a while ago, but this may have
smacked a few casual viewers around, inducing them to reach for their
remotes, and jump over to the soothing, predictable laughs on Friends.
Which means it's a great time for a commercial break
(and what isn't?). First, there's Snickers, featuring former Survivor
contestants (sometimes, these are more entertaining than the show itself).
Next up, Reebok, featuring (gasp) a former Survivor contestant.
This seems as good a point as any to let you in on a secret: We have a
dream. That some day, Survivor-laden commercials and product
placement-laden Survivor, will live peacefully side-by-side.
Seamlessly blending into one another, not unlike the smooth, homogeneous
food-like product known as American cheese. We may not get there
with you, but that'll probably be because we've tossed the TV, and re-devoted
our lives to playing video games full-time. At the current pace,
that may be around episode 8.
At some point, the show comes back, and Robert talks
about how, drunk on kava, he and John explored traditional Polynesian
rites of passage, and gave each other tattoos. The General took
his on his foot (John may have mistaken "tattoo" for "tearing chunks of
flesh off with a knife"). John had asked, as a gesture to a sponsor,
to have the logo for Target stores emblazoned on his back. "Great
idea!" thought Mark Burnett, and dialed up the chain's marketing department.
In the meantime, Robert slipped, and the tattoo ended up on John's butt.
Now the next day, and still a little tipsy, John climbs up the Rotu waterfall,
and prepares to share his product placement spirit with America.
And he does, although as word gets back to the company, Target decides
it's a little too upscale to be associated with Survivor, and backs
out of the deal. And sadly, John's ass gets replaced by a blurry
flesh-colored box. Watching from home, he thinks, "Oh well, at least
now that I look exactly like Richard Hatch, people will like me more."
Fully clothed again, John goes over the fine art of
tossing challenges with the original Rotu. Or maybe he did it a
few days earlier or later, it's hard to tell, since the same scene pops
up later, and his confessional talking about the plan was in episode 5.
But anyway, at some point, booting an immunity challenge was discussed.
The other people may have been digitally spliced in at a later date, and
John does have acting experience, but it's reasonably safe to say that
the words may have come out of his mouth at some time during the game.
Meanwhile, true to CBS' preview word, Rob and Sean
spend a lot of time working. Whoops! Boy, was that a funny
typo or what? We meant worrying... grumpily at that, that they can't
trust Vee any more (which is odd, since she doesn't actually appear to
be on the show), and that all the (expletives deleted) from Rotu are against
'em. Rob doesn't have a plan, but somehow, he's going to get John
(insert your own joke here... sometimes, pity overtakes us, and we just
can't swing at the easy targets like this one). Again, since this
"Underdogs," this means that John and Rob are probably in the final four
together.
Speaking of crabby, we return to the seafood smorgasboard
that is Maraamu. Seems they're all out getting crabs again.
Then again, since the exact same scenes were used in previews for episode
5, it's hard to tell what they were actually doing that day: most likely
hugging each other, then producing a small play about the Pilgrims, and
how the native crabs came to them and slaughtered themselves upon the
rocks, so that the Pilgrims wouldn't starve. Who knows? Regardless,
we were deeply impressed with Kathy's hunting strategy of lowering the
crabs' self esteem by calling them names. "Boogerhead!", she shrieks,
and the crab slowly comes to a stop, wallowing in self pity. Paschal,
sensing the kill, chimes in: "Son of a gun!" After dyeing its hair
black and spending way too much time listening to Marilyn Manson, the
crab leaps upon the stones, shattering its chitinous exoskeleton.
Just as the crabs did in the days of the Pilgrims. The Maraamu,
as all native hunters do, treasure their kill, then go back to the hugging.
Luckily for them, the reward challenge also features
food. And we mean "for them," because, being a ruggedly physical
challenge, there's no way this collection of misfits can possibly beat
the Rotu stallions. Except if the episode title is "Underdogs,"
of course. This one's a relay - racing through the forest, untying
knots, waving paddles around, smashing things, then watching John argue
with Robert about how to row a canoe. As a leader, John immediately
seizes upon the obvious truth that it's impossible for two people to row
a canoe. Sure, they could paddle on different sides, or use a J
stroke, but that's not important. One person has to steer.
Okay, sure, the girls from Maraamu who are passing us right this instant,
despite our insurmountable lead, seem to both be paddling, but that's
different. And wasn't this the challenge we were going to throw,
anyway? Aw crap, no this was the one with the food. Right.
Yes, despite having the slowest runner on the show
in Paschal, and turtle-like rowers in Gina and Kathy, Maraamu is pulling
towards the shore. But then Kathy forgets about the flag, and John
races past her for a Rotu win. Except that's not how the script
goes, because symbolically, the Underdog Maraamu need to win. The
Maraamu give Probst a list of grievances, any one of which should overturn
the outcome: Rob had an unfair wind-resistance advantage, due to his lack
of facial hair; Rotu had six people cheering (at least potentially), also
unfair; Maraamu had to go slow, in fear that John's pants might come off
again as Rotu neared the water. After a few hours of shooting down
appeals, Maraamu finally strikes gold, and both the canoe and Robert appear
to have been in the wrong place. So Maraamu get to binge.
Cue the happy music!
But before doing so, all are cautioned to refer to
the sponsor's product solely as "Sierra Mist," and not as "soda," "a Neleh-like
Sprite," "Dr. K's Soothing Sea Urchin Elixir," or "7Up Yours, Pepsi!"
The gorging begins, continues, goes on some more, and eventually peters
out. Yup, watching people eat sure is entertaining! Cruelly,
however, all we get in the way of consequences this time around is a rather
uninspiring Kathy belch. No tents that smell of ass, no holey leaves.
What is this show coming to? Cookies and yoga? At least we
get to visit the whining Rotus, just as the cameras appear tempted to
bring us another Maraamu group hug.
And whine Rotu do. Rob graciously passes the
official Survivor "Dumb and Dumber" championship belt off to John,
but swears he will eat him alive in the rematch at Caesar's Palace in
December. To take people's mind off of food, John whips up a batch
of coconuts and bivalve slime. Mmm. Notably, this gives Burnett
a golden opportunity to reinforce more racial stereotypes, as, responding
to "Cue up the Amos 'n' Andy schtick!", Sean bugs his eyes out, and drools
at the thought of fried chicken. Responding to NAACP critics, Burnett
responds, "I'm British! I couldn't possibly have learned any American
ethnic slurs! Okay, okay, will you people just back off if I take
out the watermelon scene?"
Back at Maraamu, everyone is exprimenting in "alternative
lifestyles." Kathy wanders off to become a Falun Gong member.
Neleh and Paschal explore their auras. Gina pretends she's assimilated
into their tribe, and therefore can't be the obvious bootee. In
a desperate effort to save the dwindling supply of eye candy, the production
crew sets to work sabotaging Kathy's chances, trying to make Gina's goal
"reality".
But not before we get to see more misdirection from
the Rotu camp. Zoe makes a cameo appearance as the Woman Rob Interrogates.
Rob asks John if he can read the new tattoo on Rob's forehead, the one
that says "I'm with stupid," and has an arrow pointing down to his crotch.
"You'd have to be blind not to see that!" John exclaims. "Where's
Paschal when we need him?"
Eventually, IC time mercifully draws near, so that
Burnett can finally put the challenge-tossing "intrigue" away until Survivor
5. This one is your basic regurgitation of the Maze from Survivor
2, which was designed specifically to let the hapless, undermanned
Ogakor finally win a challenge. So, it would seem tailor-made to
send Rotu to another tribal council, except that this is "Underdogs,"
so Rotu cruise to an easy, 5-2 victory. Sample dialogue includes
classic gems such as "where are we?", "let's go back," and "slow down,
guys."
Then, as in every episode of every Survivor,
the spin machine goes into overdrive painting Kathy as the victim.
Not even Kathy's losing the challenge, nor the production staff's assistance
in putting out the fire while the tribe was away at the IC, can save Gina,
though, even though everyone swears they have no idea she's going.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Kathy gets the 3-1 boot, and another episode limps
to a close. Whatever, you can now officially look forward to the merge,
which appears to contain lots of exciting... hugging.
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Episode
5
Iced, Iced, Gabey
Days 13-15: November
24-26, 2001
Aired: March 28, 2002
Paschal, the kissing
bandit, shortly before being escorted off the field by stadium security
for his latest hijinks.
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Survivor must have its groove back. And by groove, we mean,
of course, the well-worn ruts of previous series: recycled challenges,
recycled drama, recycled backstabbing, and recycled misdirection about
who's getting booted off. But still, even though much of this stuff
has been shown over and over again, on one of America's most popular TV
shows, you still get a contestant or two who doesn't seem to have watched
the show before. Which is surprising. Then again, since it's
happened before, maybe it's not.
On the plus side, watching people continuing to be
unclear of the concept can be fairly entertaining. And speaking
of thick heads, we start this episode with Rob. He's beginning to
sense that his master strategy may not be paying off, now that Sean is
practicing his lines for an upcoming part as "Comatose Mime #2," in full
view of Rotu, and Vee is busy making smoochy smoochy sounds (apparently).
Which is actually not all that far from reality, especially compared to
the Love Tribe Guru, Gabe, who seems upset that his peaceful commune has
been invaded by the Maraamu. Apparently, they're playing some game
called "Survivor," and he doesn't want any part of it. "My agent
told me this was a quality show, and that I'd get a bigger speaking part
than I did on Six Feet Under," he explains. "When Sean and
I were hanging out at Belly, he said to go for it, too. What's all
this immunity and challenges stuff? And which way is the commissary?"
Seeing Gabe staring blankly at the ocean, John and
Tammy check to make sure he's still planning to vote off the lazy Maraamu
at the first opportunity. "Huh? What's this voting stuff?" Gabe
asks. "Wait a minute, are you trying to tell me this isn't Blue
Lagoon 4? Get out!" Tammy leaps in and tries a group hug,
which had always seemed to cure Rotu problems in the past. Sensing
something is still amiss, she and John exchange worried glances, and start
backing away slowly. Innocence is dead! The spell is broken!
As they try to make a break for it, Gabe yells out after them, "Oh well,
at least I've got six weeks away from Mike Boogie, right? Right?
And hey, while you're up, can you bring me my teddy bear?"
Back at Maraamu, the Tribe That Can't Win has resorted
to the last refuge of the damned for challenge help: prayer. "Dear
Lord, we know the other tribe has Bibles and stuff, and that you obviously
like them more, but can't we win, just this once? What if we cut
you in on the prize money?" Neleh asks, plaintively. "*Sigh* All
right, just this episode, though," comes a booming voice from off the
set, possibly from Mark Burnett's megaphone. "Jeff Probst is busy
rigging the challenge as we speak," he assures them. This perks
Gina up, and she expresses her delight at being on a winning team for
once: "We were too stupid to think of bribery before," she chirps.
Then all four rush off to slaughter the local crustacean population.
That's right: Kathy's got crabs! (See, in the
spirit of the episode, we're recycling jokes here). In fact, they
all do, and after killing a bagful of crabs by boiling them alive, much
pounding, dismembering, and rending of flesh ensues. Not as much
as on Iron Chef's King Crab Battle (the price of which probably
exceeded this entire series' prize money), but just enough to whet Paschal's
appetite for meat. Collectively, they agree to bring back a slow-moving
Rotu for dinner, if they can just win the upcoming Reward Challenge.
Luckily, that's what comes next, and the prize indeed
is to plunder the opposing tribe's campsite, and only survival items and
personal stuff is off limits. The contestants are fair game!
Describing the challenge, Probst gives a knowing wink to Maraamu, who
flash back a sign language "L," indicating Lindsey has prior votes.
Or that they're losers. Or maybe we're thinking of the recap episode
of Survivor 3, or the Colby-dunking-Jerri episode of Survivor
2, both of which featured this exact same thing: both tribes ordering
blindfolded teammates around, collecting stuff. Anyway, the important
thing is, this type of challenge keeps coming up because it's just great
television. In the sense that, it features two people yelling at
the top of their lungs, and as every programmer worth his or her parking
spot knows, people yelling equals quality drama. Therefore two people
yelling must equal Emmy nomination. Plus, there's people stumbling
around in blindfolds, hitting themselves and each other with large blocks
of wood.
Probst repeats the overriding rule of challenges with
mismatched team sizes: nobody can sit out back-to-back challenge.
So Sean and Rob promptly respond by grabbing some deck chairs, cracking
open some brews, and sitting out their second consecutive challenge.
"What are ya gonna do, twist us back to the otha tribe? Ya bastid!"
Rob gloats. After consulting with Burnett, Probst rules that, since
Rotu's last block is skillfully hidden behind a bush they can't possibly
win. Therefore, there won't be any lawsuits or extra payments this
time around, so he let's Rob's play stand. "Yeah, whatever, good
luck Rotu, *cough cough*...."
Shockingly, after much Keith Famie-esque stumbling,
a short groping session between Paschal and John, and another golden opportunity
for Kathy to screech again, Maraamu actually wins one! How about
that! Probst starts to hand over the immunity idol, then stops himself,
saying "Oh, right, you guys don't win that until the next challenge!
Silly me! Okay, Rotu, prepare to get your butts pirated."
After motorboating over to Rotu's camp, which Probst
swears does not happen after every challenge, Maraamu spend two gleeful
minutes snatching up one-of-a-kind items critical to survival, such as
the coconuts quite similar to the ones lying on the ground back at camp,
and knives, also like the ones they have back at camp. Shaking
his head in amazement, Probst stops the clock and huddles with the misguided
Yellow Tribe. "Look, the next challenge is the same tired SOS challenge
we've used almost every time. These guys have colorful, attention-grabbing
blankets, which, you may note, double as something you can sleep under!"
Eventually, after a few more tries, Maraamu get the hint, and take the
blankets. Kathy, mentioning that her bladder is feeling pretty full,
makes sure someone gets the mask and fins. "All right! Let's
go look for some sea urchins."
As they get back to camp, they discover to their horror
that Robert has used his strange voodoo powers to curse the stolen Rotu
supplies. No sooner do the Maraamus get it set up, but they are
inexplicably drawn into group hug after group hug. Her face snapping
into a bug-eyed stare, Neleh's head starts spinning, and an otherworldly
voice bellows out, "You are now the Love Tribe! Get back to the
hugging, or possibly a group massage!" Paschal tries bravely to
make the sign of the cross with his arms, but he finds them tugged, by
unseen forces, to the vicinity of... Kathy. Their lips meet.
If things are going poorly at Maraamu, the bottom has
fallen out at Rotu. Gabe has taken it upon himself to prove that
Fred Durst is not, in fact, the lamest rapper alive. He falls short,
of course, and technically, the aforementioned Mike Boogie deserves some
consideration here, but the sheer volume of Durst's atrocities have to
count for something. Still, the cringing Rotu are counting the days
until they can lose an IC, and rid themselves of this terror. John
quickly recruits the remaining Rotu, saying "I'll do anything, I swear.
For the sake of my mother, for humanity's sake, please, just make it stop!"
Soon, they get their wish. As threatened, the
Distress Signal immunity challenge is virtually identical to the one they
saw Boran win with underwear, paints and brightly-colored flags right
before they left. And in a shocking coincidence, the paints, blankets
and brightly colored flags are all over at Maraamu now. Worse yet,
Rotu's fate is in the capable hands and minds of Rob and Sean. "Nothing
attracts attention like something that doesn't move, is dark, and blends
in with the trees behind us," they surmise. Unfortunately, that's
a lot of work, so they resort to covering Gabe's bright bamboo raft with
the original black rubber one. In between multiple lengthy breaks,
Rob comes up with the brilliant idea of blowing a whistle, which can almost
be heard over the whispers of the disgruntled tribesmates who can't participate
in the planning.
Maraamu pools their life jackets to make one big brightly-colored
spot, so that it can be seen at a distance as they race around with it
(Rotu, fearing detection, used the controversial "divide and conquer"
technique with their life jackets). True, the distance of the judging
boat is about 50% closer when it looks at Maraamu, leading the French-accented
Captain to exclaim, "Sacre bleu! You haff taken me to zee island of zee
giants! I surrender!" As the captain dives over the side of
the boat in terror, Probst looks up, sees the good old American flag,
thinks back to when Sarah was lying on it seductively, and gives a big,
uh, "thumbs up" to Maraamu. They win a shocking, amazing, completely
unscripted immunity! Just the way hapless Boran did in S3!
How about that! Needless to say, the continuing diabolical
power of the Rotu booty shoves the Maraamus together into another claustrophobia-inducing
hug.
With so much action, there's barely time for Mark Burnett
to slip in his usual half-truths and abject lies about who's getting the
boot. And by barely, we of course mean plenty. Seems the ex-Maraamu
are hatching a plan to team up with Gabe and get rid of John. John,
who offers to cut a deal with the Maraamu by giving half of his beard
to Rob, in exchange for votes against Gabe, admits that he might be getting
booted after all. Then to drive home the point, at tribal council
Probst taunts John, saying "You know they're going to boot you, right?
Why don't we just dispense with the voting, and bring me you torch now?"
But, bowing to tradition, they go through with the
balloting, in which not a single person votes for John, and everyone boots
Gabriel. Even Zoe, although, commensurate with her participation
in the witness protection program, her vote was not actually shown on
the air. At least, we think she was on the show this week, although
it could have been a stand-in. But fear not, at least Gabe finally
gets to have his broken teeth fixed.
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