Did anything actually happen in this episode? We must have blinked. There seemed to be a lot of talking, and tension, and drama. But that was in Samburu, who were shown because, well, we're not sure why. In between winning both challenges, Silas writes a completely original play called "Romeo and Juliet," casting himself as both leads, two star-crossed almost-teen actors deeply in love with each other, yet torn between the families who claim them as their own. To the right, the gray-haired Montyburns family, whose aged members grouse continuously about the slackitude of "those teenagers over there. Silas, say you won't associate with their kind," the Montyburnses implore our hero. On the left, the Crapulet family, three youngsters who feel entitled to sit around and bitch and sigh about bossy Colonel Frank. "Did we just see you talking to one of those old farts, Silas? Pray, let it never happen again!" Tamponia Crapulet commands. Torn, Silas, and his lover Silas, are doomed to an inescapable tragic end, as they go off by themselves, and.... oh wait, they won immunity again, so this was all meaningless. Still, Silas, the brilliant auteur of this tragicomedy, is convinced that no person on earth has ever thought of such a brilliant concept, and is deeply enamored with his spectacular script. "Nobody is ever going to be able to tell I'm acting," he says, looking rakishly, deep, deep into the camera.
Hmmm, now that we think about it, there was some other stuff that happened. In a shocking revelation, we learn that Clarence was nervous about going to tribal council after the bean incident. Who knew? After killing twenty minutes, slowly, delicately revealing this compelling piece of insider information (you can see two more hours of it if you pay $20 to CBS) - apparently included to assist all those who were finding out who knocked up Rachel last week - there is a brief but unremarkable reward challenge, in which all of Samburu's Christmas wishes are granted. This week, Mama Kim gets to be The Boran Who Falls Down A Lot, after rochambeauing Ethan for the honor.
Meanwhile, back at Samburu, we finally get to see Carl and Frank in action, and quickly learn that both are completely insane. Carl is convinced that, not only is Silas absolutely, positively going to help vote off Lindsey and Brandon, he's also interested in buying some magnetic insoles and some dietary supplements. Frank, oozing the smooth, subtle charm of the loud, ranting homeless guy on the corner, spends a lot of time screaming at the top of his lungs about cement and dams, and how much he hates that bitch Lindsey, who is standing two feet away. But this is just between us, right Silas, old pal? Linda and Teresa help build a shelter, while Brandon makes a little fort, consisting entirely of his body, two sticks, and the log he's sitting on. Lindsey pouts a lot, and Kim P gets to play the Samburu Not Appearing In This Episode.
More big, shocking, amazing surprises await at Camp Boran. They don't trust each other! Who knew? Everyone seems to be in alliance with everyone else, but is paranoid about all those other guys. Except Jessie, who bravely vomits until her lips peel off, then refuses to replenish her bodily fluids with the freshly-boiled water, because it's, well, in strict medical terms, "icky." Ethan rolls his eyes a lot. Clarence, desperate to move the subject away from beans, spends two hours in his confessional regaling the cameramen with fascinating stories about the importance of water. This week, the character of "Tom" has been cut-and-pasted from an old John Wayne movie, but Mark Burnett had the audio spliced in backwards, so as to avoid any copyright infringement lawsuits.
But the biggest, shockingest, amazingest, suprisingest surprise is still to come. That's right, it's the predictable revolting diet challenge for immunity, which for added suspense, has been shown twice an hour in commercials for the last week, written up in US weekly, and for good measure, given an hour-long preview on the Early Show. For the two people hiding in a cave in Afghanistan who did not know this ahead of time: they drink blood. And they like it. This of course took several takes, because Mark Burnett kept running onto the set yelling, "Cut! Cut! You're supposed to recoil at this, people! What the hell is wrong with you? You're not allowed to have fun here! This is Survivor! You're supposed to suffer!" Nonetheless, it all comes down to a drink-off (shocking!) and someone wins. Fortunately for Boran, that person is Linda, giving them an excellent opportunity to take a nighttime stroll with their torches.
In a remarkable turn of events, Boran finds itself once again voting off the woman who was sick. This is, of course, news to Jessie, who has fully recovered. For this segment, the character of Tom is spliced in from a previous episode, the one in which he voted for Carl Bilancione. Clarence vows to spend at least four hours tomorrow telling the cameramen how much he loves water, what its molecular formula is, and other useful forms of water, such as ice. Viewers around the world gnash their teeth, lamenting the fact that there is only thirteen hours, plus a recap episode, of this sterling entertainment product left, unless they fork over twenty bucks to CBS.