Shorter finale: Natalie saves the season, wins the million. Much is forgiven.
Since the Prevously On was mostly Probst narrating shots of himself, and the post-Tribal scene was mostly yelling, let's pick this up at the start of the final five RC. Wait, where's Missy?
Ah, there she is. Figures.
Wow, Keith getting the special in-challenge closeup shot. He's totally gonna win the game, like the last guy who did (er, Jon)
Putting round rungs in interchangeable slots. This is what amounts to the ladder-making puzzle for SJdS.
We can't wait for the inevitable Reynold/Phillip/Keith sandbag toss-off
Here you go, Keith. The best reward yet this season. No, you can't eat it.
Ha ha! Not even a massage!
Or, if they're one of Missy's favorites, a Survivor gets three bowls of rice. Sit down, Probst.
Meanwhile, on Exile Island, Jaclyn is screwed
Thanks. Day 36. You guys are the best.
Meanwhile, back at camp, Keith's 'advantage' turns out to be making himself tired and frustrated. Hooray!
Hooray! Missy is standing up and sort of doing this one!
And with one ball almost placed, Keith has an insurmountable lead
Eh, let's just call it. Keith wins.
I could have won this if I'd used my feet
But in another, more accurate sense, Keith wins
Hooray. We're all a happy family. Except for whichever one of us is going home.
Speed up your hobbling, Missy. This is booooooring.
Oh wait, one more thing, Probst...
You motherf***ers better not have voted for me
Well... Natalie and Jaclyn voted for someone who's about to get idoled. Who could it be?
Who took a BITE out of this idol?! They're NOT for eating!
This is really cool and all, but please try not to mix lowercase and capitals, people. Come on.
Oh look, Bay. There's the hashtag. How sweet.
It's a snuffy situation
What the f***, Natalie?
Wow, these people watch Survivor? And they came to a finale? Thanks for the hard-hitting insight, Probst!
Good news: We're 48 ad-free minutes into the final episode
Y'know, Baylor DID vote my twinnie out, so we're even, right?
I'm still here! Woo! Good play, me!
This is huge. Missy really didn't need this.
Look, Missy. *I'm* not gonna carry you up four flights of stairs. Any volunteers? No? Anyone?
No? Fine. Take your usual seat on the bench, then.
Yay, puzzle bag retrieval
Well, Natalie has a huge lead. This thing is over.
Jaclyn! Can't even open her bags! Totally out of it!
This may not be the best time for a 50+ piece puzzle with missing pieces. Just saying.
Okay, we were wrong.
On the other hand, a multi-story pole slide does seem to have been a poor choice.
Get going, Natalie! Give us an amazing race to the finish!
Jac. Lyn. Wins. ?. !. ?.
Missy almost had this one.
I won! This is CRAZY.
Hurry up, Missy, we're supposed to be lined up behind the chyron.
Does this necklace come in a tiara?
Sooooo... don't vote me out, Jaclyn. I'm the only one who doesn't have a loved one on the jury.
I think she bought that.
Can we get this over with quickly? We have a Day 39 breakfast to start looking forward to.
Alec offers more insight
Awww. You guys...
Can I just spit on it, Jeff?
Yay! Probst is gonna hate this season now that a dude can't win!
Keith, yours is the first final words in which I've ever appeared. Do you want this Tyler Perry idol? I swear you can use it now, if you want. Please, come back!
Oh great. Instead of burning the shelter on Day 39, they've set fire to Natalie.
Don't be stupid. My charred corpse can still beat these two.
Natalie and Jaclyn break into the morning 39 breakfast. Missy sits out.
Welp. Let's get this over with, so Probst can move on to talking to random people in the audience.
Okay, you three. We've seated you in order of your finish. But feel free to go through the motions of answering questions.
Wait, are you implying we're irrelevant, Probst?
So... to sum up, I played the best game out of the three of us. Duh.
That's true, but I'm voting for Jaclyn, anyway. Jaclyn, please give me an excuse to do so.
Does anyone know what happened to my luggage?
Heeeey ladies. Are any of you single?
Sit down, Alec
Mom, you are the best Mom out of the three of you here. Or at least the best one who is also my mom.
If I grow out my mustache, do you think I could pass for Larry Bird?
Hey, do you guys remember when I talked about Probst being nekkid on Two and a Half Men? That was awesome. Also, I've watched this show since I was nine, and you're just learning that now.
Hey Natalie, final two alliance when we're on All-Stars together?
Okay. My name is Reed. I'm auditioning for the role of Sue Hawk in Survivor: The Musical. Should I start?
Oh man! We can sing? I knew I should've brought my guitar tonight.
Note to self: We really need better lighting on these steps next season, or I'm gonna need a hip replacement.
Phew! I made it, guys! Should I read these, or get straight to asking the audience about their favorite buff color?
You could ask us a question, if you want. Some of us have watched the show, too, you know.
Great camera work, guys.
Okay! Now that I've got you all here together, let's ask the audience if they prefer memory challenges or puzzles.
Oh, right. Natalie needs a check. Next up: Which color shirt does the audience most like seeing me wear? Stay tuned!