Below we present our alternate take through vidcaps from this episode, wrapped in inaccurate captions. Complete with surprise ending!
Hi, I'm Spencer. You may remember me from such pre-merge episodes as 'The One Where Garrett Got Blindsided' and 'The One Where I Lost at Basketball to an NBA Dude'. The merge is coming, so I'm about to either be in the driver's seat, or go UTR. One of the two.
Top three out of the top six, as far as you suckers know! High five!
Okay! Top six, everyone! Put your hands in! Kass, where are you?
Who me? I'm still here. Glad you noticed!
Merge is coming. We have the numbers unless somebody flips. Who's playing that ominous background music? Cut it out!
Sarah departs, revealing a smiling Kass. No foreshadowing to see here, move along.
Seriously, why wouldn't Kass trust me? I told Alexis 'no fingers crossed or anything, it's Jeremiah.' See? My word is my bond
How dare you not trust me? I will 100% get back to you guys with my alliance decision before Tribal Council. Or possibly at.
Inferno burning. Burning! What? It's a reflection in my glasses. Come on. It's not symbolic of anything.
I feel a strange disturbance in the Force. It's probably just the merge. Or our diet of 99% coconut.
We got treemail! Woo!
At Camp Solana, everything is perfect. Even the lens flares are purple. Well, that was fun. Now leave.
We mean your immunity idols. Go get them.
Solana tribe! Featuring Tony! LJ! And the rest.
Hi, I'm LJ. You may remember me from such pre-merge episodes as 'The One Where I Found the Idol' and 'The Ones Where I Did the Puzzles'. The merge is coming, so I'm about to either be in the driver's seat, or go UTR. Or maybe both.
See? I found an idol! Me!
'Hello to my little friend.'
Well, the merge is upon us. Time to hide Spencer.
Hooray! We're merging! We can stop pretending to be friends now.
Again, driver's seat or UTR.
Grime of the ancient mariner.
Yes, of course. Look at all the paddles.
Uh, Trish? You're getting in the way of our shot of LJ. Sigh, let's re-shoot.
Hey guys! Here are all the pillows and junk we looted two days ago. No hard feelings, right?
By hugging me, you're not sucking the narrative focus out of me, are you? Trish? Why can't anyone hear me?
Um, wasn't Alexis on this tribe? Has anyone seen her? Hello?
Not now, we have treemail to read.
Are we one tribe, or two? It's a mystery, accompanied by a box of buffs and a feast.
That's good, right?
Different powers? Can it levitate? Confer invisibility? Superhuman strength?
I'm gonna be pretty bummed if I find this new idol and it's 'different powers' are the same ones you guys did away with 14 seasons ago.
Oh. Bland, featureless black buffs. That's exciting.
At least there's rum. And food. Also rum.
You want to talk to me NOW? I've... I've... had a lot of rum.
It's a Sarah sandwich!
Are you gonna finish that?
Okay, who's the anchor?
So... uh... looked for any idols with different powers lately? No? Same.
The camera crew suddenly remembers that Morgan is still on this show.
Hey, Sarah, how are things going on Aparri? Wait. Don't answer, listen to me talk for five minutes first.
I've got the whole game... in my hands.
Hi, I'm Jeremiah. You probably don't remember me from any pre-merge episodes.
Jeremiah, coming up with the strategy? Wow.
Jefra? That's a dumb idea.
Pro tip: When people are scowling and looking away from you, they really like your suggestions.
Everyone thinks LJ and/or Tony might have an idol, but Sarah insists we vote for one of them. Seems legit.
Pro tip: Eh, never mind.
Hi, I'm Trish. You may remember me from such pre-merge episodes as 'The Ones Where I Fought with Lindsey'. I'll be your new narrator.
See? I told you!
Wait, what about me? I was the leader of the Brains! Come back!
Seriously! I'll encourage people to practice for challenges, or something!
Pre-challenge lineup, merge IC.
Mmmm, imitation gold.
Immunity, eh? Overrated.
Whoops, the crew just remembered that Morgan is still on this season again.
Misty water-colored memories... of giant Spencer sneaking a peek at Morgan
Probst: 'Wait... none of these people are out yet? Crank up the wind machine.'
Always be throwing.
It's an epidemic.
Already forgot about Morgan again.
Tony's elongated stance here is actually pretty clever, but it's hard to beat a surfer at balancing
Congrats, Woo. Only five or six more of these, and you'll be my new favorite player. No pressure.
Tribal's a-coming. Time for some liquid decision enhancer.
I was first out! Anti-Woo!
Both sides want me to commit, or something, and we only have one bottle of rum left. What am I to do?
The person that I would think would be the smartest would be Jefra. Wait, did I just say that out loud?
Not appearing in this grouping: Kass
We have to vote Tony. Tony, Tony, Tony. It'll work, because I have an alliance with him based on my badge.
In which Woo attempts to levitate Tony using only his mind
Uh, this is fun and al, you guys, but I could get Kass to flip.
Ok! Everyone put your hands in! You too, Kass! Nice try hiding behind Spencer.
Wait, you might be going back on our Cops-R-Us alliance? It had an R-Us right there in the name!
Yes, I know the New Aparris might vote me out next, dummy. I have a plan for that: More rum.
Seriously, she would violate the sanctity of an R-Us alliance? I knew I should have given her a codename!
The crew briefly remembers Morgan's still on the show, then promptly forgets again
Tiny LJ and Tony listen politely to Giant Trish
Why should Probst get to ruin the game? *I* want to ruin the game, too!
The Solarrion tribe prepares to punish whoever came up with that name, unless something else pops up
Jeff, have you seen my #Spyshack hashtag? Seriously, I'm starting to worry about it.
Also, has anyone seen Alexis? We thought she would be at Aparri
I'm not going to pull it out, Spencer. This is a family show.
This is an immunity idol, right, Jeff?
It's not. I guarantee it.
Luckily, some people thought this through
You want a glass of wine? I love wine! Red wine? I love red wine! Same!
You guys, this has me so excited, I'm doing the rest of Tribal without pants! I'm throwing them in the fire!
That's a nice gesture, but I don't need covering up, Tony. Besides, it's a little small, but I have this urn and pedestal to please the censors
Oh man, I did not want to see that.
You guys, come on, I'm gonna go full frontal to prop up some godawful aging sitcom later this year.
Hold up, bro. I got you covered.
Hooray! Our long Tribal Council nightmare may end soon! Except for the things we can't unsee.
Everyone is relieved. Except for Spencer.
Okay, let's get back to business. Jefra: Someone drew a sad face on this ballot. It's okay to cry.
Yes. That's exactly what I'm crying about.
Okay, whoever wrote this down has to come sew me some new pants out of the used ballots
Ew. Can you wait behind the pedestal, Probst? Honestly.
Hooray! Sarah's making pants! We're saved!
I am? I did NOT sign up for this.
Someone should really check to see if Spencer is ok.
Your sacrifice is our gain, Sarah.
I dunno, half-naked Probst isn't the worst thing to happen at Tribal
YOU talked him into doing this, Kass?
For a rush job done with used ballots, those pants look surprisingly good, Sarah. Excellent work.
But since you're up here, you're snuffed. Sorry.
I don't think I can ever look at the podium again. Thanks a lot, Kass.