Ep.14: Jeff Probst, it's time for you to go

Published: May 15, 2013

As someone who's spent a large chunk of the past 12 years watching, analyzing, and cataloging the history of this show, I feel I'm entitled to at least voice an opinion on it: Jeff Probst needs to be removed as Survivor's showrunner.

Ep.13: Taste the sad, Michael

Published: May 11, 2013

Episode 13 of Caramoan was a bit much. "Creative" production decisions piled on top of each other, haphazardly, all in service of wrenching a few more tears out of the cast. But whatever. This flawed-flawed-horrific-flawed-good-great-great-eh season is almost over, but the crying. To bring a sense of finality, here's Producer J's perspective.

Ep.12: Mayday! Mayday! Two amigos down!

Published: May 5, 2013

As entertaining as the past five episodes have been, think of how great this season might have been if they'd actually had two competent tribes, instead of just one. *Sigh* But instead of dwelling on what could have been, we'll examine one Contestant E's brilliant vote-avoiding (both casting and receiving) mastery.

Ep.11: Bro down!

Published: April 29, 2013

Survivor scored its top ratings of the season, tying with American Idol. How will CBS capitalize on this newfound success? For some answers to this question, we turn this week's recap over to TV Consultant D, for further insights.

Ep.10: Diary of a CaraBROan idol

Published: April 20, 2013

We turn this week to the thoughts of a Caramoan participant who's had more screen time than Brenda, Erik, Hope, and Allie combined: Malcolm's (original) hidden immunity idol, a.k.a. "Contestant MHII."

Ep.9: Don't hold your breath

Published: April 15, 2013

Two good weeks doesn't completely make up for the wretchedness of the first five episodes, but it helps. So this week, we bring you an alternate universe in which "Contestant B." is presented as the strategic linchpin of the season.

Ep.8: The E in 'Brolliance' - A visual odyssey

Published: April 5, 2013

Our most vacuous, shallow recap yet: Caramoan's merge episode, as told by Contestant E. and Contestant E. (Sorry if you were hoping for something better.)

Ep.7: The less-mean kind of arrogant

Published: March 29, 2013

Contestant R.'s thoughts on his performance through Episode 7 of Caramoan: "I reflected on how great I am at playing this game. My conclusion? Really great. I mean, amazingly, awesomely great."

Ep.6: It could be worse

Published: March 23, 2013

As the end of March approaches, a boy's thoughts turn instead to Game of Thrones. This week, we decided to imagine the show with a new host: King Joffrey Baratheon. It could be worse.

Ep.5: Kerosene

Published: March 15, 2013

In which Jeff Pitman takes a break from the light commentary to take the show to task for an episode and casting decision that was a microcosm of everything that is wrong with this show in its current form: exploitative, stagey, cheap, and ultimately empty. Not funny, not entertaining, and generally just awful to watch.

Ep.4: This is just a modern recap song

Published: March 10, 2013

"Contestant J." smuggled in an iPod Atto prototype, and gets herself through the trials and tribulations of Episode 4 of Caramoan just by smiling and nodding, while listening to music. As you should.

Ep.3: Abandon all Hope ye who enter here

Published: March 1, 2013

As a contestant departs Episode 3 of Caramoan with but a single confessional, we are forced to present this week's recap from the viewpoint of Contestant H, who, in the absence of contradictory information, we presume is a war-weary, 19th-Century Southern belle.

Ep.2: Now with 50% more imitation Hantz

Published: February 22, 2013

For Episode 2 of Caramoan, "Producer J." returns to regale us with his delight in how great the episode and season are, what with the tears, and erratic behavior, and tear-inducing erratic behavior. What more could you possibly want?

Ep.1: Mission accomplished

Published: February 14, 2013

Here, "Contestant P.", a dashing special Agent, revels in his many, many glorious accomplishments achieved during Episode 1 of Caramoan. Almost too many to fit in one story, but somehow, we found a way.

Pre-season: Cast analysis

Published: February 9, 2013

In which "Producer J." stops by to give his unvarnished views on the new contestants and their chances of winning. Yeah, that's what happened, all right.