TDT | Survivor 23: South Pacific Recaps

Episode 10.5: "A Closer Look" (a.k.a. the dreaded Recap episode)

Filmed: May 30 - June 24, 2011; Aired: November 23, 2011

We're breaking with tradition here, and acknowledging the recap episode as a full member of the pantheon of an otherwise-14-episode series. We don't want to be accused of bullying it. With that said: This was far and away one of the least-watchable recaps, ever. We don't want to say you're a loser, recap, but you certainly aren't a winner. Even if you were a holiday edition stuffed to overflowing with ham, fowl, "family," excessive prayer, and assorted foul behavior.

Yes, it was all (okay, mostly) new footage. But that's about the extent of the possible praise. The footage was selected, molded, and shaped with one purpose in mind: to pound into our skulls that the only real characters this season are Coach, Cochran, and to a far lesser extent, Brandon. Hoping for a closer look at Jim and his strategy? Tough luck, he was MIA, except for a crack about Brandon praying for the second coming of his escaped chicken. Amen.

Trolly: Coach

ICU!: Christine

Slitty: Sophie

The Russell Hantz Memorial Troll of the Week award (the "Trolly"): Coach

Honorable mention: Cochran, Brandon

There was a decidedly pitched battle for this award this week, as the entire episode was devoted to a whopping three characters. But we'll dispense with suspense, and eliminate the also-ran right out of the gate: Brandon Hantz? You're out of the Trolly running. As Coach himself said: "[Brandon] really doesn't have any business in this game." Auf wiedersehen.

So let's break down the battle for the Trolly scene-by-scene. Ham-to-ham combat, anyone?

"Dawn is modest" - Casts new light on the Ep1 scene with Cochran debating joining Savaii for an underwear-only dip in the ocean, in that Cochran wasn't the only holdout. Except that the focus eventually returns to a rehash of the Cochran part. Cochran 1, Coach 0.
"Caveman Cochran" - Cochran and the ladies "myself included" of Savaii celebrate Ozzy's fish haul, and Cochran tenderly rips the guts from the fish with his fingers. Touching. Cochran 2, Coach 0.
"I'm gonna do what Coach says" - Coach marches around Upolu, delighting in telling his willing subjects what to do. Who loves being the center of attention? Coach does! Coach 1, Cochran 2.
"The Commitment" - Brandon is delighted to be with honest, man-of-God Coach. Praying ensues. Coach 2, Cochran 2.
["Brandon is the new Ozzy" - Superfluous scene about Brandon being able to fish, at least at Upolu camp, followed by doubts from Sophie. Push.]
"Queer Eye for the Nerdy Guy" - Papa Bear gives Cochran "unwanted" advice on how to pick up women. Or, as he later learns from Whitney, women who will assume he's actually trying to pick up men. Cochran 3, Coach 2.
"You are such an ass" - In which we're reminded that Coach has little use for women, and decides to torment an ailing Mikayla with rancid pork fat, just because he can. It's good to be the family leader. Coach 3, Cochran 3.
"This room smells like ass" - Elyse gets to enjoy Cochran's story about kindergarten pants-sniffing. Jackpot! Cochran 4, Coach 3.
"We're gonna be in trouble" - Rick, Edna, and Albert pointlessly fret about Brandon's frequent, yet Coach-absolved, meltdowns. Eventually solved by Saint Coach leading Brandon in prayer. Achievement unlocked. Coach 4, Cochran 4.
"Three's a Cochrowd" - Cochran intrudes on Keith and Whitney's completely secret honeymoon, prompting Whitney to say "I think we need to kill him soon." What. A. Bully. Cochran 5, Coach 4.
"Implied Bestiality" - Ozzy giggles after he tries to get Cochran to supplant the immortal Silas in Survivor Sucks lore. Cochran 6, Coach 4.
"No wonder you always get blindsided!" - Coach flips out after seeing how pathetic the Savaii shelter arrangement is under Ozzy's "leadership." Coach 5, Cochran 6.
"That boy doesn't know how to survive out here" - Coach figures out, due to sleeping arrangements, that Cochran is on the outs with Savaii. Coach 6, Cochran 6.
"Zeus and Hercules" - The wise and benevolent Coach knights a stumbling Cochran (who offers to bend a knee, but is rebuffed) as "the most powerful man in the game." Coach 7, Cochran 6.
["No fish for you!" - Dawn talks Ozzy out of being a complete jackass, guilting him into share his fish with the Upolus. A relaxed, sane-seeming Brandon gets a frightening quote: "It's not how you start, though, it's how you finish."]
"Ozzy gets played" - Coach immediately sees through another non-Oscar-worthy performance by Mr. Lusth. Coach 8, Cochran 6.
"Brandon's antics" - Brandon loses one chicken, then kills another, to disapproving clucking from the rest of the tribe. Including Coach. Cochran silent. Coach again settles the matter with prayer. Coach 9, Cochran 6.
["Albert's Selfish Ambitions" - Probst and Sophie pooh-pooh Albert's gameplay. Push.]

And the winner is: Coach. Of the Trolly, at least.

But wait! There's more! Cochran gets in a last-minute dig at Keith over the closing credits (which is actually pretty hilarious), but it's too little, too late. Still 9-7, Coach. Sorry, Cochran.

The Purple Kelly Memorial Invisibility Cloakee Unmasked! award ("ICU!"): Christine

Honorable mention: The non-Coach/-Cochran/-Brandon cast

Okay, yeah, we get it. The entire cast that wasn't Coach, Cochran or Brandon was not allowed to be shown in the recap, unless they were talking about Coach, Cochran or Brandon. And to be fair, every remaining player (the seven in the game plus the three at Redemption Island) got at least a confessional (about Coach, Cochran or Brandon) or their own in-camp scene (with Coach, Cochran or Brandon). To be honest, we thought the universe might collapse in upon itself when Edna (!) and Rick (!) were shown talking together (about Brandon), and then each got a confessional (!)... reaffirming their questions about Brandon.

But why couldn't Christine be shown? There were some people who have already long since been booted who were brought back for the recap. Papa Bear got a scene (with Cochran). Elyse got a scene (with and about Cochran). Mikayla got a scene (surprisingly with Coach and not Brandon). True, Stacey and Semhar were not even shown, let alone allowed to talk. But considering Christine both talked (disparagingly) about Coach in the first episode, and was the constant focus of his nightmares as she racked up a string of wins at Redemption Island, you'd think she might at least be allowed a brief appearance. Were the editors just confused by her insistence on calling him Benjamin?

The CIrie Fields Memorial Smiling Backstabber award ("Slitty"): Sophie

Honorable mention: ?

As always in fall seasons, this recap did air during Thanksgiving. (...Eve, when all good children are visited in the night by the Pilgrim Fairy, who fills the socks placed by their window with turkey gizzards, giblets, and withered husks of maize. Technically, the Pilgrim Fairy also does the same for the bad children. Lesson: Don't put your sock by the window on Thanksgiving Eve.) So we feel we should honor the spirit of the holiday, and at least give thanks for something. So here we go:

There was one scene that briefly made us reconsider gouging our eyes out with a carving fork. It was the sole departure from the "Coach, Cochran, Brandon" theme, and it came right at the end of the recap, at which point, lesser mortals may have already succumbed to self-eye-gouging. This would be the scene in which Sophie and Albert were talking strategy. Or to be more exact, first Probst talked about how Albert is a hapless, selfish, strategy novice, and then Sophie talked about how Albert's "strategy" was too much, too soon, and smelled funny. But in the context of the previous 50 minutes of all-Coach/-Cochran/-Brandon, all the time, it did provide a rare glimmer of hope that the remaining four episodes of this season might have something in store beyond a slow-motion coronation of Coach as Probst's new favorite contestant of all time. Also: in the coming-attractions appendix, Sophie was shown chopping stuff with a machete, which is an irrefutable sign that, if she does indeed have an as-yet-unaired strategy (which apparently involves the previously invisible Rick), it might actually be revealed before the end of the reunion show. Or perhaps as a deleted scene on the CBS.com site, in the week following the finale.

True, this was embedded within an essentially non-stop montage of Coach, Cochran, Brandon, tempered with sporadic glimpses of Ozzy. But... you know. Keep hope alive?