Special Agent (?) Sheppard's Special Merge Intelligence Report
From: Special Agent Phillip Sheppard, "The Specialist"
Introduction: As you may recall, back on day 1, I informed the lovely women of our Omepe... Ometete... Ometepe tribe that I am a former federal agent, and I am able to tell most of the time whether someone is lying. And that at the merge, I will be able to infiltrate the other tribe and tell you, "Yes, that's a friend... or not." As I promise, here is my special report on the former Zapareta... Zippolighter... Zapaterror tribe.
Person 1: The red-headed gentleman with the beard, the one who is not a stepchild. I believe his name is Ray... Rafe... something like that. My analysis: This man is rude. I don't understand most of his words, except "farm," "steers" and "game". He may be speaking in a special code to try to deceive us. But he said he had a hidden idol, but then said he didn't. As I told you at the time, I said "Yes, he does." He has since played that idol at tribal council, but this happened before I had a chance to prepare this report. I do not know if he has an idol now. He is not a friend. Do not speak to him.
Person 2: The long-haired person in the bikini. Someone said her name was Joleen, I think, or Julietta. Or Soon-Yi. I sometimes see her off in the distance, helping the red-haired fellow with the fishing nets, but I haven't seen or heard her much at all apart from that. I do not trust her, mainly because she appears to eat fish that are dead. We brave warriors of Omepeppere prefer to eat our fish while it is living. She is not a friend. You will probably not see her, but if you do, do not speak to her.
Person 3: The white-haired older man with the beard. He says his name is Stief... Stebe... possibly Stradivarius. My analysis: I have been unable to make any observations on this man. He generally fails to move, even when poked with a stick, and doesn't say much. I'm concerned he may be dead. If he is, those Zapdos people may mistake him for a fish, and eat him. He may be a friend, but he also may be food. Do not eat him.
Conclusion: This completes my special report. Operation Stealth-R-Us is in glorious ascendance, and the Specialist has successfully infiltrated the former Zoperetta and supplanted inceptions in their minds, at least with the ones who are living.
This is a special intelligence report. I have told this information verbally to each of you at least ten times, so that you can memorize it. I have also written it here, on this old tree-mail letter. For the love of God, America and freedom, do not let this document fall into enemy hands. When each of you has finished reading it, please destroy it by eating it. It does not taste quite as good as the crispy, but my special training tells me it is better than dead fish.
With boldness and braveness,
Special Agent Sheppard, "The Specialist"