| So
it's come to this: A selection from "TDT Classic" |
Survivor
13: Cook Islands |
Stars lining up for American Idol: Celebrity Edition
Swears
David Hasselhoff, 'This time it won't just be the Germans
buying my albums'
By Phil Setto, True Dork Times Upper
Octaves Editor
Originally published: August,
2002
(Proving once again that what TV actually comes up with is
far more horrible than our sarcastic predictions). |
 HOLLYWOOD,
California (TDT) It used to be that established actors such
as Keanu Reeves and Bruce Willis would doggedly pursue their
delusional dreams of rock stardom in poorly-packed clubs, in
front of handfuls of desperate, moderately obsessive fans.
But thanks to the recent announcement of an upcoming "Celebrity
Edition" of the runaway success American Idol,
now existing stars themselves can pursue their lifelong dreams
of becoming manufactured cheesy pop stars. All in the same
way they live the rest of their lives: in front of millions
of people.
Television critics have generally panned the FOX network's
decision to keep ratings afloat by replacing the series' previous crop of starry-eyed
young unknowns with stars the audience already recognizes (or, in the case of
publicity-starved castmember Kato Kaelin, has repeatedly forgotten). FOX officials
defended the show's re-tooling, stating that "Celebrities have just as much
right as anyone else to peddle horrifically bad music to gullible teenagers.
In fact, being celebrities, they have more right to do so."
The star-studded edition will retain the same essential
formula as the original hit summer series. Contestants will perform before the
panel of judges, and the pool will gradually be whittled down, with audience
input, until one lucky singer remains. That person will win a recording contract
with record producer and judge Simon Cowell's label.
Among the celebrity hopefuls are comedienne Roseanne
Barr, who plans to put memories of her crotch-grabbing National Anthem performance
to rest by "breaking out the Britney songs... and outfits!" Also competing
will be football great Troy Aikman, Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas, ubiquitous
former Survivor Susan Hawk, and puppeteer Frank Oz.
Some of the Celebrity show's casting decisions
have already been the source of controversy. Former child star Donny Osmond was
removed when producers discovered that, prior to his appearance on Fear Factor,
he had already had a singing career. "We were as shocked as anyone," admitted
acerbic judge Simon Cowell, adding that "He didn't have much stage presence,
anyway. After reviewing the tapes, his bit only seems to work when you get that
creepy incest vibe from his sister."
And in preparing for this opportunity, the celebs appear
to be taking it seriously. Swears early consensus favorite David Hasselhoff: "This
time, it won't just be the Germans buying my albums." Criticism that Hasselhoff
was given a free pass on his prior recording contract was brushed aside by FOX
officials, who replied, "Come on, give the guy a break. That's the only
American-made product Germany has ever bought. He deserves a medal."
Finally, former late night newscaster Ted Koppel is
getting into the act as well. He has been practicing his dance moves in a chest-revealing,
heavily-sequined, skin-tight jumpsuit. He auditioned for the show with a high-energy
rendition of Madonna's "Live A Virgin," which the producers described
as "show stopping."
Privately, Koppel is oozing confidence in his chances, and vows, "I'm
going to mop the floor with these losers." |
|
|
Learning nothing from sagging ratings and our own, frequently-voiced,
seemingly unquenchable ennui, CBS went ahead and bankrolled two
more seasons of Survivor. The
most recent version filmed at the Aitutaki atoll, Cook Islands
from late June through early August, 2006. It starts airing this
month, as the show's tacky casting stunt has already forced
the media to acknowledge. You'll likely find more of the same
show-related crap above. Unless you don't. |
| |
|
| Survivor
12: Panama - Exile Island |
|
Above are the far-too-many Survivor: Panama - Exile Island options
we have to offer. Boot odds, spoilers, recaps and a highly exciting
calendar. We know it's difficult, but please try to avoid hyperventilating. |
| |
|
| Other
Survivor seasons |
| If you want to know more than
you thought possible (while maintaining some semblance of sanity)
about other seasons of Survivor,
you'll likely find such crap here: Survivor index.
Use at your own risk. |
| |
|
| Where
you should go if you don't see new content above: |
 Crappy
the Smart-Assed Toilet: Without question,
the crappiest blog on the web. But it is updated marginally more
frequently than this page. Except when it's not.
Is it toilet humor? Not really. Informed, snarky, topical commentary?
Eh, not so much. A pathetic fusion of both? Getting warmer. See
for yourself. |
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