Democrats, Republicans switch platforms
Few in public appear to notice

By Paula Tichs
True Dork Times Staff Writer

WASHINGTON, D.C. (TDT)  Following the whirlwind excitement of their respective party conventions, the Democratic and Republican parties have released the results of their secret Platform Policy Draft this week.  The results indicate some changes are ahead for the two parties.

The quadrennial random draft, which assigns the two major parties their stances on various issues, was conducted three weeks before the Republican convention in Philadelphia.  "We think we came away with a pretty good haul this time," GOP vice-presidential nominee Richard "Dick" Cheney cackled gleefully, after selecting the cards for his party.  "We're not worried, we'll keep fighting," a solemn Joseph "Joe" Lieberman, the Democratic V.P. candidate and designated card-drawer, noted glumly.

The Republicans came away with the coveted "Diversity" issue, allowing them to show images of minority actors playing "Republicans" during their convention.  The GOP will now also be able to pander shamelessly to Latino voters until the November election, after which the party will be free to encourage their members to resume shooting illegal Mexican border crossers.  The Democrats had previously held "Diversity" for a record eight straight elections.

"We're gonna kick some ass and take some names," prominent Rep. Dick "Dick" Armey (R, Tex.) predicted confidently. "I like our chances sucking up to the Mexicans. Look how excited everyone is about that Ricky Martin fella. People will never get tired of that."

The GOP also garnered the lucky "Feign Interest in Education" plank.  This permits heavy-rotation advertising filled with platitudes and fantasies, directed at suburban parents desperate for an easy government solution to their children's stupidity.  "This always plays well with the soccer moms," Sen. Trent "Dick" Lott, (R, Miss.) drawled.

In contrast, the hapless Democrats drew the tough "More Censorship" card, forcing them to threaten their Hollywood hosts and donors with stiff penalties for continued media sex and violence.  "It's going to be hard for us to build a campaign around 'Less Gore'," Lieberman, whose surname ironically means "Loverman" in German, dourly commented.

Both parties retained their traditional shared policies of "Taking Huge Bribes from Global Corporations," "Wasting Taxpayer Money on Unnecessary Pork-Barrel Projects," and "Using Addicts as Convenient Scapegoats for Unsolveable Social Problems."

"Sure, we're all pretty well off these days, but there just aren't enough drug users in jail," GOP president nominee George "Whitelines" Bush quickly pointed out, in a twitchy, exciteable way.

In the minor league portion of the draft, Ralph Nader of the Green Party picked "Blaming the Godless Scientists for Everything," which previously had been known as "The Godless Communist" problem, and in a shocking move, Reform Party Fuhrer Pat Buchanan selected "Kill All the Abortionists," which surprisingly had been left unprotected by the GOP.

A Gallup poll conducted over the weekend found that only 4% of respondents noticed the difference in the parties' stances.  "I've always voted Republican, and I always will," explained 61-year-old Verne Crandall, of Asheville, N.C.  The poll had a margin of error of 4 percent.


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