Torch-wielding mob strikes blow vs. 'Frankenfood'
'Evil' biologist killed, crops burned, data destroyed, 'Public good' defended
By Percy B. Shelley III
True Dork Times Sensitive Poet
NORMAN, OK -- Waving pitchforks
and axes, and with torches ablaze, a tumultuous mob of angry villagers
struck a righteous blow against the evil encroachment of science and reason
into our everyday lives yesterday, killing a scientist and destroying his
life's work.
Amid choruses of catchy, well-reasoned
chants such as "Death to the Murderer," and "Down With Frankenfood," the
diverse collection of environmentalists, conspiracy theorists, fundamentalist
Christians and PETA activists surrounded the field laboratory of Dr. Charles
Wienerenmug, beat him unconscious, then set his laboratory ablaze, killing
the biologist and completely destroying his notebooks and crops.
Police declined to prosecute the mob, stating "That sicko had it coming."
Leaders of the mob beamed confidently
after being congratulated by local officials for their brave vigilante
action. "It was Frankenfood. He was putting genes from other species into
plants. Sure, people could have lived forever, but what if it also was
some kind of poison? How do we know that seeds from those plants haven't
already contaminated neighboring fields? What if that kills a butterfly,
or perhaps a moth? When will these criminals stop trying to play God, and
think their actions through?" Participants cheered their victory with a
celebratory round of ma huang-ginseng-wheat grass smoothies.
According to scientific colleagues,
Dr. Wienerenmug was in the final stages of testing a genetically-engineered
crop of corn which could halt or reverse the human aging process, allowing
those who ate the corn to live indefinitely in an approximately 25-year-old
body. Tests in other species had been overwhelmingly successful, and Wienerenmug
was analyzing the results of FDA-approved Phase III clinical trials the
night of his attack.
"He had called me up, and told me
it had worked," another scientist, who spoke under condition of anonymity,
told the True Dork Times. "Then there was a big crashing sound, and the
phone went dead."
The exact molecular nature of the
genetic manipulation Wienerenmug made has been a closely-guarded secret,
known only to him. According to his will, unsealed after the incident,
this was to keep the crop free to the public, and the means of production
out of the hands of agri-biotech firms, who could have profited substantially
from it.
News that Wienerenmug was studying
genetically-modified crops had somehow leaked into the press the day before
the attack. Newspapers decried the placement of Wienerenmug's plants in
the heart of prime farm land. Cleaning up after the scene, police appeared
certain that all of the plants in question had been destroyed, along with
the scientist's information on how they had been produced. "We can all
sleep a little easier tonight," a police spokesman announced.
Several major newspaper editorials
concurred. "As college-educated people, we know pretty much everything
that's worth knowing," a New York Daily News column wrote. "We may
not understand this technical, 'genetic engineering' mumbo-jumbo, or be
skilled in so-called 'rational thought,' but we're quite sure that any
tinkering with nature is always a very, very bad idea, quod erat demonstratum. Frankly,
beating and burning was too good for this guy."
And clearly, if a lot of people think
something, they must be right.
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