Scientist cures cancer six times in one week
Bests previous record by three
By Carson O. Genesis
Science & Medicine Editor
BOULDER, Colorado (TDT) Exuberant
scientists from the prestigious Boulder College Cancer Institute recorded
a scientific milestone Thursday, when they announced their sixth cure for
cancer within one week. "The amazing thing is, we still had an extra day,"
mused principal investigator George "Rusty" Cann, sipping from his victory
coffee mug, emblazoned with the jubilant words "Six-peat!!" Cann added,
"I'm not really sure what's going on the lab right now, there may be two
or three more we can tack on!"
Officials at the National Cancer
Insitute have yet to confirm the Cann group's latest discovery, but it
was reported as a cancer cure on a local TV newscast, so therefore it must
be true. The previous record was three cures in one week, set last
May by Dr. Judas Kinterman, of the Montana Technical Institute.
In the past week, Cann's laboratory
has been responsible for a wealth of cancer cures. On Monday, a press release
told of their characterization of a protein dubbed "anticancerin," based
on the fact that it is produced in normal cells, but not in tumorous ones.
"We haven't actually shown that it has any effect on cancer," Zelda Rubin,
a cautious graduate student working on the project, told us, "Rusty just
thought it would be a sexy name." Nonetheless, a local newspaper
ran the story that evening, and the ball was rolling for Cann's four days
of brilliance.
A local Fox News TV crew toured the
lab on Tuesday, fresh on the heels of the anticancerin discovery, and noticed
Dr. Quang Chin, a post-doctoral researcher, spraying bleach on a petri
dish brimming with cancer cells. "It's to kill the mold that's growing
in the dish," Chin explained in response to the reporters' frantic inquiries,
"but, yeah, I guess it does kill the cancer cells, too." Chin then turned
off the power to the incubator in which the cells had been growing, noting
"I have to get rid of the contamination... all of these cells are going
to die." Fox trumpeted "Twin Cancer Cures! " during commercial breaks throughout
the evening. Just like that, Cann's group had tied the record long thought
to be insurmountable.
"We were pretty pleased," Cann recalled,
although some lab members had expressed hesitation about the overall value
to patients of their work at the time. "Rusty seemed pretty excited, though,"
concurred Enrique Castro, a technician in the lab. Cann's colleagues were
not done yet, though, not by a long shot.
Attracted by the publicity, Discover
magazine reported Cann's fourth and fifth cures, in an in-depth cover story
entitled "Cancer: A Scourge of the Past?" This issue will hit newstands
next week. "I'm not real sure what's in it," Cann said. "The writer
told me it's new stuff from the lab. I'm sure journalists are pretty
good evaluators of scientific data, though."
Not to be outdone by national journalists,
reporters from local ABC-TV affiliate KRUD descended on the Cann group
Wednesday, and conducted a series of probing interviews, determined to
uncover any additional cures Cann might have been holding back. Undergraduate
intern Seth Robinson was the first to crack. Caught perfusing a dead tumor-laden
mouse with formaldehyde, a strong tissue-preserving fixative, Robinson
let slip that "No, the tumor can't grow after the formaldehyde treatment."
Despite Robinson's repeated calls to the station, KRUD's evening newscasts
relayed the exciting discovery of formaldehyde's tumor growth-preventing
properties, and the Cann group's modern-day record was established.
Other scientists, obviously jealous
of Cann's astounding achievements, expressed skepticism as to the value
of some of his findings. "I'm pretty sure it would not be a good
idea to inject cancer patients with bleach," Dr. Phil Wellstone, director
of the Dallas Institute for Tumor Studies, noted. Wellstone also
questioned the value of the turning-off-the-power results. "It was good
enough for Fox," responded Cann.
Linus Pauling, the respected chemist
who in later life publically championed medical breakthroughs of dubious
merit, was unavailable for comment, possibly because he has been dead for
several years. "But we're pretty sure he's just as excited about
this as we are," Cann said.
Asked about his future plans, Cann
seemed non-committal. "It's been such a whirlwind. I've got a lot of meetings
to go to, interviews to give, and such. I haven't had much of a chance
to plot a future direction for the lab."
Rest assured, America: in our reasoned
and scientifically expert opinion, at this pace, a cure to all disease
can't be far off.
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