We
know, we
know. You don't have the time to read newspapers, or listen
to NPR, or watch legitimate TV news. Fine. As a public service to those
of you
getting your learnin' from The Daily Show, we present our very
own News Briefs for Young Adults. Don't bother double-checking the facts
or anything, we're pretty sure they're accurate. Mostly. We'll try to keep
it brief, so that you can get back to Adult Swim.
Photo: wwjcd.com |
For
an extra $19.99, many retailers will gladly include this
handsome acid-free vial to display your cross fragment. |
Market
exploding for Passion of the Christ-ian relics
HOLLYWOOD,
California (TDT) It was a marriage made
in Heaven: Blockbuster box-office receipts
for Mel Gibson's The Passion of the
Christ,
coupled with the Christian seasons of
Lent through Easter. Now, with Easter passed,
and the world still filled with uncertainty,
particularly in the region depicted in
the film, true
believers
are
looking for more substantial ways to connect
with the Jesus story. And as divine providence
would have it, such substances are rapidly
finding their
A small
empire of
movie-related
memorabilia (or as the sellers would have
it, "relics") has sprung up, not unlike
the money traders in the
Temple.
Web sites
such as WeGotYourCrossRightHere.com and
WhatWouldJimCaviezelDo.com (also known
as wwjcd.com) are hawking "Fragments of
the True Cross (the guy playing) Jesus
was crucified on!" for a mere four easy
payments of $29.99, plus shipping and handling.
Several entrepreneurs claim to be selling
"the actual linens that were applied to
the body of (the actor playing) Jesus.
Features real (artificial) blood stains!"
Not surprisingly, stock is flying off the
shelves for these retailers. "Business
is booming," grinned Titulus Cruces, founder
of PassionParts.net. "We had
so many orders for cross pieces, we've
been forced to make four extra ones and
smash them up to meet the demand. We know
this is going to end eventually, since
it seems unlikely there will be a sequel.
But we expect another boost when the DVD
comes out around Christmas!" So far, none
of these businesses have gotten their hands
on the cup used in the film's Last Supper
scene,
but
all agree, "That would be our Holy Grail!" |
 Bert
and Ernie beat deadline, tie knot in San Francisco
SAN
FRANCISCO,
California (TDT) Narrowly reaching the city hall steps in time,
longtime Sesame Street companions Bert and Ernie exchanged
wedding vows in San Francisco several weeks ago. The two took
advantage
of city mayor Gavin Newsom's pledge to recognize same-sex unions,
before a state Supreme Court order forced the city to stop issuing
marriage licenses.
They were long Sesame Street's odd
couple - the yellow-headed, pigeon-tending, fussbudget named
Bert, and
his longtime companion,
the orange-skinned,
mess-making, free spirit called Ernie. And while they had been cohabiting
for over a quarter-century, the news still came as a surprise to some of
their co-stars. Said an incredulous Big Bird, "I had no idea.
They've always had separate beds, you know. What does this mean?"
While others expressed happiness at the couple's long-term commitment,
a testy Oscar the Grouch refused repeated requests for an interview,
replying only with "Scram!" |
 Democrats
locked in a tight battle for nomination
DES
MOINES, Iowa (TDT) The unpredictable nature of the Iowa caucuses
has breathed new life into the campaigns of multiple candidates
for the Democratic Presidential nomination. There are a range
of personalities running this year, ranging from the angry
white guy to the stereotypical angry African-American guy,
the boring rich guy, the farmer, the religious guy,
the military guy, and the young guy from the South. Through
a whirlwind series of challenges and votes in coming months,
rife with
insider
deals
and back-stabbing,
the massive field will be winnowed to produce a single candidate.
If recent history is any measure, the winner will likely be
the contestant who is the quietest, least threatening, most
lacking in ideas,
and willing to do whatever the party's corporate sponsors ask,
if elected. Television producer Mark Burnett is filming the
process, which he will edit into a 13-episode reality TV show.
Scheduled to air in early 2005 on the CBS network, the show
is tentatively titled Survivor 10: The Democratic Primary. |
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